Lifelines

I think it is mysterious how people enter and leave our lives at certain points. Somehow we move around in the same town, in the same state, country, world and in some strange way, we meet people who are able to give us just what we need at that moment.

Sadly, not everyone of those people stays in our lives...people come and go. I have lost a lot of people who were monumentally important to me during certain points of my life. Lost may not be the right word, though...maybe I have been looking at it wrong for all these years. Maybe their time was done...whatever the purpose of our relationship was, for them, their time was done...even though mine may not have been. And because I had needs, wants, expectations, I felt a loss...discarded, thrown away.

And I think, after some talks and reflection, that that is because I have not been enough for me. So one of my daily battles lately is that I have to be enough for me...I am uncomfortable with being alone because it means that I have to deal with me...address me...focus on me. I have avoided that for as long as I can remember. But now...I have no choice...it is not a matter of whether I want to or not but a matter of I have to. I need to be whole. I need to address me and define me. When I get to be enough for me...then I will know I can take myself to someone else as a whole person.

So how do I get from where I am to where I need to be...

I think it partially comes back around to people...the ones who come along at the right time...

I've had several people come into my life in the last few months...some I have known for a while longer but with whom my relationship has developed in a different way, others who I have just met, and others still who I only know in cyber-world.

But the thing is...they are all here for a reason...and it points to the fact that the most important person is the one who is there at the right time and in the right place.

A new friend commented to me that when seeing me with my sons for the first time, he could tell how natural and close my relationship to them was...that you can't fake that. I had not been aware he'd been watching. And that comment was golden to me...after everything I'd been through.

I have a friend who is the most amazing shoulder to cry on...and i cannot even begin to cover the things she has said to me...but I know above all people, I can trust her to be honest.

And I have had people who I have met online who have taught me things...and helped guide my journey and made me see things or face things about myself that I would not have otherwise had the courage to do.

My professor tonight said two very profound things that apply totally to my life and I want to remember them always....

"Nobody in their right mind would say "yeah, you treated me bad, let me come
back so you can treat me bad again."

"Better NOT to commit to something than not make good on something you
have committed to."

So I am glad for my lifelines...whoever they are and however long they can stay in my life.