Foundations

We all have a foundation that we are built upon. For some of us, it is stronger than others. Some of us are given the benefit of a nurturing environment to grow up in that helps to teach us how to build our own strong foundation. For others, we have to figure that out on our own...or else just do the best we can do.

I would say that for most of my life, at least as far back as I can remember, I would say that I had a moderate foundation...neither strong or weak. Kind of like asphalt. It is strong but it does not weather well and needs repaired frequently. It gets potholes and needs cracks filled. Sometimes, it needs a new top layer. And sometimes, an old layers gets removed and a new ones are put on.

When I started my own family, and especially when I found out that my son had an autism spectrum disorder, I thought that I had strengthened my foundation. I thought that by surrounding myself with the "right people"...people who I could trust to enter my kingdom, that I was strong. I thought that by educating myself and thinking things through, I could control things. I thought that by doing everything and taking care of everyting, I was being strong...that I had a strong foundation...one of concrete. Concrete needs little repair...it is much stronger than asphalt.

But two years ago, the ground started to shake. Small tremors started to happen and my foundation got cracked. Small cracks. Even concrete gets weakend under stress...it can chip and break and get cracks...just not as bad as asphalt.

Then I had a major earthquake in May of 2008. And my foundation was really shaken. I couldn't get myself righted but my structural dammage was not so bad that I could not live in my house anymore. I kept trying and trying but it was not safe to be there anymore and I knew it. And there were aftershocks...but I still clung to hope.

And in November of 2009...my foundation was gone. I had had another earthquake. And I knew that what I had thought I believed to be true in the world was not...I knew that I had placed trust where I should not. And I did not know where or who I could turn to to be safe...I felt like I had nothing around me to hang on to.

February 2010 brought me the last earthquake. And then I got out of that house that had crumbled down around me. I realized that I had stayed too long and had been living in the rubble.

But I had to rebuild a foundation...as best I could...and as my friend Harold tells me, it is in sand. And since February, every time the wind blows, I have lost my foundation again.

So, now I have to figure out how to build a newer stronger one. One of concrete...a little more earthquake proof.

One key is that I need to BE and not to just KNOW who I am. I know all the right things about myself...who I am and what I think. But when someone or something happens counter to that, I crumble. Well, if I would just BE instead of only know in those moments, mabye my foundation would not crumble.

So, now I have to remind myself constantly to BE....and one day, it will become so natural that i won't even have to try and then maybe I really will have a foundation of concrete....and I can build a nice house upon it that won't crumble with the blowing of wind or the trembling of earthquakes.