An Aspergian's Perspective...More on this to come

I have been reading Look Me in the Eye My Life with Asperger's  by John Elder Robison.  It is a great book and I highly recommend it as a great read to anyone who is interested in learning not just about Asperger's syndrome but also about special effects used in the guitars used by the rock band Kiss and the audio equipment that Pink Floyd used as John Elder Robison was the man behind it all.

This is the passage in the book that I just HAD to get out a.s.a.p....

"Many descriptions of autism and Asperger's describe people like me as 'not wanting contact with others' or 'preferring to play alone.'  I can't speak for other kids, but I'd like to be very clear about my own feelings: I did not ever want to be alone. And all those child psychologists who said 'John prefers to play by himself' were dead wrong.  I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with others.  I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life.  The sting of those failures followed me long into adulthood, even after I learned about Asperger's."

That is a power packed passage...think about it....I will...and then I will write more.

Integrity

Integrity…

If integrity is a firm adherence to a moral code of values then it seems to me that people either have it or they don’t.  How can you adhere firmly to something sometimes and under certain situations and at other decide to check your moral code at the door because it is inconvenient at that moment?  I have a difficult time understanding how some people try to justify compartmentalized situations under which tossing aside the things for which we would ordinarily stand for in a “normal” setting.  Circumstances like business deals, sports games, reality TV shows, test taking in school and a host of other areas tempt people into sacrificing their integrity because the people involved do not really matter in the long run, no one really knows us, or there is some kind of pay off that makes it worth it (or so it would seem). 

For example, some who participate in reality TV shows like Survivor and Big Brother are notorious for proudly claiming to be one way outside of the game and another way in the game.  They have a “game on” attitude and have checked their integrity at the starting gate . . . and it appears that all it took was some money to sacrifice their character and integrity in front of millions of people.   Perhaps when they weighed the pros and cons of making such a decision, they knew that for many people the lack of a person’s integrity is meaningless unless it affects them directly.  The American public seems to love a villain…ratings show that.  But, the people playing the game do get offended by their fellow player’s lack of integrity (because it has a direct impact on them) and I always have found that amusing because those most offended are usually those equally lacking in integrity yet they fail to recognize the deficiency in themselves.  When I was in high school, a teacher once said, “be careful when you point a finger at someone because there are always three fingers pointing back at you.”  I have never forgotten that and although I fail at times, I try to use it as a pre-assessment tool before I form and opinion, judge, or speak up about an issue.  Of importance to remember is that no one will question your integrity if your integrity is not questionable.

However, when making a decision to stand firm in our convictions or not to…considering whether it affects other people, whether the people involved really matter in the long run, whether other people really know us, or if is some kind of pay off that makes it worth it…none of those things should not play a role at all in that decision.  Why?  Because every day for the rest of your life, the one person you have to answer to is yourself.  Charles Evan Hughes was a wise man when he said, “A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.”  No matter what other people think or say, you will still have your own conscience to deal with and depending on the significance of the conviction, the burden that compromising your convictions could carry might be heavy to carry for quite some time and the people that might be hurt might be hurt a bit worse that you thought.  It all boils down to this…an ongoing battle of self-interest verses conscience.   Robert Brault warns us to “Be careful of selfish motives.  You can mistake them for principles and end up dying for them.”

Recently, I had an experience in a Facebook game that I play.  Within the game, players form an alliance of approximately 100 players.  One leader of my alliance made outrageous anti-Semitic remarks in the game’s chat and at that, I decided I was done being in that alliance.  I was not going to align myself with a bigot.  Several other players in the alliance (even one who is Jewish) have stayed in that alliance because “it is just a game”.  I think their interpretation is that how I played things out following that episode led me to sacrifice a spot in the top alliance for my convictions and that was bad strategy in the game.  So to them, game takes precedence over convictions.  As Aristotle points out yet those players fail to realize at this point, “Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.”

Therefore in my mind’s eye, convictions super-cede the game.  I am still playing the game.  I am aligned with my friend to whom those remarks were made and I am happy in my new alliance.  I can be comfortable in my skin knowing that I am not in an alliance with a bigot and that my friends (especially the one who mattered most to me in this incident) see what my character is made of because to me that is more important than the game .  I cannot personally fathom the concept of game over convictions especially when it comes to big issues…and to me bigotry is a big issue even if no one in that game really knows me…I know me…I have to live with me and I am important enough for me to do the right thing.  “Before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself.  The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.”  (Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird).

John D. MacDonald states that “Integrity is not a conditional word.  It does not blow in the wind or change with the weather.”  You either firmly believe in your values or convictions or you don’t.   It often takes courage to do the right thing especially when it means making some sort of other sacrifice whether it is fame, money, a grade, a job, a promotion, an award, status, and even other friends.  It may take even greater courage when standing firm in your convictions means going against some form of group or a person in an authority position or popular opinion.  We become more courageous when we put practice courage.  We become more cowardly when we practice cowardice.  It is when we are being tested that we can choose whether to become courageous in our convictions or a coward to our self-interest.

A final thought…

Chinua Achebe (Nigerian Writer of 'Things Fall Apart' (1959)) said, “One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.”  

Blunt refusal.  Not blunt refusal except when… 

Choose Your Own Adventure...Goals part II

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about goals and what it means to reach them…to reach the finish line.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines a goal (in this sense of the word) as “the end to which an effort is directed.”  I suppose then the issue becomes just exactly is it our effort is truly directed at.

In my mind’s eye, I look at many things as a series of check points similar to those a marathon runner has during the course of his race.  For example, me getting my teaching license this summer is a checkpoint (not a goal—it is not it is not the end of my effort), me earning my master’s degree is a checkpoint (not a goal—it is not the end of my effort), me getting a job is a checkpoint (not a goal— it is not the end of my effort)…my goal may not be reached for another 20 years or more because my goal is to see fruit of my life’s work.

Some people like to break it down into short term and long term goals…I don’t know…to me it just seems to make more sense to look at it as a checkpoint.

I may be wrong since I cannot see into the future, but my career as an educator seems to have somewhat of a linear course… such that it can be compared to a race that a marathon runner runs.  But not everything in life is linear and has a set pattern of predictable checkpoints.

Another linear example would be having children…conception, first trimester, second trimester, third trimester, labor, birth, infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, 18 and out of the house….all of those are checkpoints that parents help rear their children through.  While each of those marks a significant point or “goal” as some would  say we realize that once we get to that point, that the one true goal is not met, but that we have merely passed a checkpoint.  For example, people struggling to conceive may say that their goal is simply to get pregnant, yet once they do anxiety sets and  the realization sets in that what was thought to be the goal in actuality was not the goal…now the goal is to carry the baby past the first trimester because most miscarriages occur during that period... “If I can make it past the first trimester then my baby will be safe”.   Then past that the first trimester, is another and then another and then another so called goal.   None of them is an end of the true directed effort.  The “finish line” just continues to move…throughout the pregnancy, throughout raising children.  I know this first hand as a person who struggled with fertility issues.

But not all of life is linear….not all of life has predictable checkpoints from which we cannot stray.

Life, I think, can be compared to those choose your own adventure books.  I remember reading them as a child.  At the end of each chapter (the checkpoint), you had to make a choice of what you wanted to happen next in the story.  As you made a decision, more elements of the story were revealed to you based on that decision and then you came to the end of another chapter (another checkpoint).  Again, you had a choice to make.

So, what I am getting at is that in life, with experience, with exposure to new things, new information, new situations, we want to, have to or have the responsibility to change our course even though we thought we knew the course we wanted to follow.  Sometimes, when we make a choice, the consequences or outcomes of that choice influence the next decision we have to make in our lives.  It seems natural to me that that would be the case.  And it seems natural to me that in a life where many of us juggle many roles (spouse, parent, employee, self, friend) that in all decisions, we weigh our values and responsibilities.  That while we may want to be working on our own personal goals throughout our lives, the pacing which we are working on them may not be equal to the goals we have for things in other areas of our lives.  When we have obstacles or challenges along life’s journey, new goals arise.

An example in my “choose your own adventure book” is that when I chose to have a child, my child ended up being born with a disability.  It is not what I had expected when I chose “becomes a parent” over “remain childless”.  Because of that, when I reached the “checkpoint” and decisions had to be made regarding my personal self over my child, I had to make choices.  My choice was to put most of my energy into the goals I had for my child when he needed it.  During that time, I still worked on the goals I had for myself.  I may not have started my education during the first six years from the time he was diagnosed until the time I actually did start school.  However, I did acquire mentors (observe, listen, learn), build a teaching resource library, build a children’s literature library and obtain 6 years of in the classroom substitute teaching experience from some of the best teachers there are.

Now that my child’s issues are more manageable and his earlier developmental needs were met, I am able to put more of my energy into my “self” goals.

Life is a balancing act.  And in our “choose your own adventure book”, at each check point, we need to assess where we need to put our energy to keep things in balance while maintaining forward motion, and with the new information gleaned from each chapter of life as it unfolds, we make informed decisions about how to balance the pacing of the goals we have for our children, self, career, spouse, friends, career, etc.  Or, maybe we realize that we were on the wrong adventure to begin with… life is an adventure after all and as it unfolds and we have more of life revealed to us, we have more information with which to make decisions.

Goals

Goals and dreams…we all have them.  When I was a child, I wanted to be a rock star.  I wanted to be a ballerina.  I wanted to even be a nun for a while.  That I am none of those things today does not mean that I did not have the conviction or dedication to become those things…it merely means that as I moved through life’s journey, matured, hit speed bumps, became exposed to new things, recognized where my talents lie, that  I pursued new interests or altered my course.

Life does not always go as we planned.  Ask anyone who has a child with a disability.  Things that we may want to do may have to take a back seat because of our responsibility to that child.  Many, many things cause people to have to alter their course for a while…and it is not the lack of conviction in their own personal goals but perhaps the conviction in the goals that they have for another person like their child.  For years, I put myself aside.  I worked from home so that I could be home with my children.  I volunteered at school, took on leadership roles of several school organizations so that I could find a way for my child to fit in.

Six years ago, I stumbled upon my calling.  Because my son has a developmental disability, I started substitute teaching.  And through that, I realized that I literally had to become a teacher.  It is an indescribably feeling.

I hope that it does not seem that my life is a series of wishy-washiness… a series of my making decisions and changing courses on a whim.  I look at things as a series of life experiences and with those life experiences we are exposed to new things.  Until we have had an experience, we were never truly informed to make a committed decision to begin with.  It does not mean that we are wishy-washy.

So, yes, I am almost 40 and just approaching getting my teaching license.  And yes, after I get my teaching license in early childhood education, I am relisting my Master’s program to Literacy so that I can get certified to teach K-12 reading and language arts.  Why…not because I have had a change of mind.  But because I love literacy so much, that I want to do it to benefit not only myself but more children.  By increasing my education, I am improving myself and embarking on what has the potential to be a more fulfilling career.

So, did I change my mind…wishy-washy and easily pushed off course, derailed from yet another goal through lack of conviction?  Or did one door opening when I started school, help me to realize that I had not set my sights on my true goal to begin with….for when I took my literacy class, a whole new world was opened to me…

I’m pretty sure I know what I am doing…I know what my goals are, I know what passion career wise.  It was through life experiences and exposure to new things that I found my way there… without making a few sacrifices when I needed to due to responsibility and obligation to my children and keeping my mind open, I might have missed out on some of that.

The Seed I Will Care For

An excerpt from the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

"I think about lying down.  No, that would not do.  I crouch by the trunk, my fingers stroking the bark, seeking a Braille code, a clue, a message on how to come back to life after my long undersnow dormancy.  I have survived.  I am here.  Confused, screwed up, but here.  So, how can I find my way?  Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?  I dig my fingers into the dirt and squeeze.  A small, clean part of me waits to warm and burst through the surface.  Some quiet Melindagirl I haven't seen in months.  That is the seed I will care for."

Speak is about a 14 year old girl (Melinda) who was raped the summer before entering high school.  She told no one.  In this passage, nearly 9 months have passed since the rape and she returned to the scene of the rape...the tree under which it occurred.

This passage strikes me because i think that many of us can relate.  I wish often that there were an ax to take away my memories or fears. and I too often relate to "Melindagirl" but I am  a "Rosiegirl" who has lain dormant for a long time...I am someone who needs take the messages from past memories and leave the remainder of those memories in the past...just live in the moments of today.  I need to let the warmth of today allow me to burst through the surface. A Rosiegirl--- THAT is the seed I will care for.