Opening Our Eyes

We go through our daily lives as if we are on auto-pilot...we go through the routine day in and day out. And for some of us, we do that so well, we can do it blind....or maybe we choose to do it blind.

Last spring I read the book How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton. Basically, the concept of the bucket is that we all have an imaginary bucket that hangs over our heads that gets filled when we do or say good things for other people or they do or say good things for us. Alternatively, our bucket gets a dip taken out of it when bad things are said or done to us and when we do or say bad things....

I thought it was an interesting concept but last spring, I was convinced that I certainly had a leaky bucket....a bucket full of holes. And the holes had been put there by the people who had really hurt me badly....so they had done more that take a dip out of my bucket but wounded my bucket permanently. At that time, I thought it was my job to try to patch the bucket somehow...and make do.

Four months later...I have a new take on the bucket.

The way I was thinking before...gave other people power over my bucket. Other people can certainly fill or empty it..but I am talking about the bucket itself. The physical bucket. I don't think God gave us buckets that are not bulletproof...or buckets that would spring a leak. So, I don't think that other people can shoot holes in them.

Now, i see it differently. I think that WE choose to put a lid on our bucket. We have power over our bucket....whether to allow it be filled or emptied. It is not others who damage our buckets...but us...by putting the lid on and closing it up tight. We make a choice to not take the risk...because someone might take a dip out...we put the lid on and then we don't let the good in either.

And then, something sad happens...we forget what good looks like. And when we are ready to be filled again and want to take the lid off, it seems like we can't get filled....

To let our bucket be filled...we have to be able to recognize the good. Otherwise, how can it be filled? Putting a lid on our bucket is like putting blinders on. Choosing not to see the good things...

So, what we need to do is open our eyes. We need to retrain ourselves attend to and to appreciate the small things. Good things happen all the time. They don't jump up at us waving a flag saying "look at me!" Some of them do...but most of them don't.

In the book, it says there are 20,000 moments in a day. I have to believe that thousands of them are good...many of them may be mundane, and some of them not so good. But, thousand of them have to be good.

Like today, for example...
* I got to see a gibbon suck it's thumb... :)
* I saw a child who looked to be about 18 months old kiss her daddy...and this child had Down's Syndrome...and it was good to see the love between them
* a car on the highway let me over when I needed to merge in a construction zone
* someone said excuse me when they bumped in to me...using good manners....it is good
* my children showed compassion
* my mom called me "daughter"
* my son woke me up by holding me
* the lady at the food court let me trade the bag of snack chips for a different kind even though she wasn't supposed to

See, there are all kinds of good things to see...we just need to take the lid off our bucket and open our eyes and let our bucket be filled.

I thought about the scene from Steele Magnolias all day today when Sally Field's character, Malynn, begs her daughter, "Open your eyes, Shelby! Open your eyes!" It is a very emotional scene.

And I think that we should be as equally emotional about us opening our eyes to the good...we desperately need to see the good.

Pain CAN Be a Good Thing....A Catalyst for Change

Sometimes the wounds have cut so deeply, that we are blinded. All we can see or feel is the pain and suffering. Being hurt badly leaves us with wounds that at times feel like they can never be healed. Being hurt sometimes makes us want to build walls and close off the rest of the world.

Being hurt has the power to keep us in the past.

I have allowed myself to be stuck in the past for a long, long time. And WOW, what a waste of time. And now that I realize it...I wonder what I have missed....who I have missed.

By focusing my attention on the things in my past, I did not pay attention to the present.

Every day is a gift....that is why it is called the present. Staying in the here and now, we can see the treasures of today. I am sure I missed something important in the last 30 or so years. Probably many important things. But the way I see it, is that whatever those things were, the messages that I was meant to receive through events or people...those messages will come around again...I just didn't get them before.

So what I am trying to get at is that if we stay in the present...even when we are in pain. If we look for the message in that pain. We can use it. Pain does not have to be all bad. Mistakes we make, things people do that hurt us...the pain from those have power...they have the power to act as a catalyst for positive change.

So we can stay in the past and stay hurting...and go nowhere. Or we can look for the message. And if we find it, we can transform that message into motion....and then the pain has become a catalyst for positive change.

The power for this lies within us. It is not something someone gives to us. We have to open our eyes and see it. So, lets keep our eyes open, and stay in the present and look for the treasures of today....don't miss out.

Foundations

We all have a foundation that we are built upon. For some of us, it is stronger than others. Some of us are given the benefit of a nurturing environment to grow up in that helps to teach us how to build our own strong foundation. For others, we have to figure that out on our own...or else just do the best we can do.

I would say that for most of my life, at least as far back as I can remember, I would say that I had a moderate foundation...neither strong or weak. Kind of like asphalt. It is strong but it does not weather well and needs repaired frequently. It gets potholes and needs cracks filled. Sometimes, it needs a new top layer. And sometimes, an old layers gets removed and a new ones are put on.

When I started my own family, and especially when I found out that my son had an autism spectrum disorder, I thought that I had strengthened my foundation. I thought that by surrounding myself with the "right people"...people who I could trust to enter my kingdom, that I was strong. I thought that by educating myself and thinking things through, I could control things. I thought that by doing everything and taking care of everyting, I was being strong...that I had a strong foundation...one of concrete. Concrete needs little repair...it is much stronger than asphalt.

But two years ago, the ground started to shake. Small tremors started to happen and my foundation got cracked. Small cracks. Even concrete gets weakend under stress...it can chip and break and get cracks...just not as bad as asphalt.

Then I had a major earthquake in May of 2008. And my foundation was really shaken. I couldn't get myself righted but my structural dammage was not so bad that I could not live in my house anymore. I kept trying and trying but it was not safe to be there anymore and I knew it. And there were aftershocks...but I still clung to hope.

And in November of 2009...my foundation was gone. I had had another earthquake. And I knew that what I had thought I believed to be true in the world was not...I knew that I had placed trust where I should not. And I did not know where or who I could turn to to be safe...I felt like I had nothing around me to hang on to.

February 2010 brought me the last earthquake. And then I got out of that house that had crumbled down around me. I realized that I had stayed too long and had been living in the rubble.

But I had to rebuild a foundation...as best I could...and as my friend Harold tells me, it is in sand. And since February, every time the wind blows, I have lost my foundation again.

So, now I have to figure out how to build a newer stronger one. One of concrete...a little more earthquake proof.

One key is that I need to BE and not to just KNOW who I am. I know all the right things about myself...who I am and what I think. But when someone or something happens counter to that, I crumble. Well, if I would just BE instead of only know in those moments, mabye my foundation would not crumble.

So, now I have to remind myself constantly to BE....and one day, it will become so natural that i won't even have to try and then maybe I really will have a foundation of concrete....and I can build a nice house upon it that won't crumble with the blowing of wind or the trembling of earthquakes.

Pushing and Pulling

There are no neutral interactions....

Professor Herb reminded us in every class that every encounter we have with parents as teachers either pushed them away or pulls them closer.

This, I believe, is true not just for us as educators, but for all of us.

Some people are natural pullers...they have what it takes to bring people closer to them...maybe it is charisma, charm, personality, sensitivity, genuineness...I don't know. For others, it takes a little more effort, but pulling is something that is doable.

We pull people towards us to show that we care. We pull people towards us to create friendships and relationships. We pull people close to us for companionship for fellowship. And we even pull people towards us for basic needs. Touch is a basic need...human beings needs to be touched...our nervous systems count on it. We need touches, hugs, and hands that are held.

But other people, push...all the time...they push people away. And that is what I just don't get. I imagine it is because they think that by creating extreme boundaries, they are protecting themselves. In fact, I can even understand the desire to do that. But in pushing others away to protect themselves, they cause the hurt to others that they seek to protect themselves from. And I wonder if that occurs to them and if they realized that, would they still do it.

So, if there are no neutral interactions, then as we relate with one another, we are constantly engaging in pushing and pulling. We do not consistently do one only...we may alternate between them depending upon our mood and our motive.

I know that after taking this class, I will attend more upon how I interact with people. I know that I tend to be a puller. And truthfully, some may say I even drag ...but I can't help it...I like people. I like being surrounded by people. I like making friends. I am a genuine person. I care. And I have always thought that the more the merrier. People are great. There is a lot to be learned by people...listening to them and watching them.

Who wouldn't want to pull people close. Even if you did get hurt once in awhile...or even a lot. The ones who do right by you make the risk worth it....and well, the rest...maybe we learn from them to and maybe they are a catalyst for change. So maybe even in that, there is something good too be gained by taking the risk of pulling people closer.

Words

Words.

There are all kinds of words.

We can use our words to build people up to to tear them down.

Some words are meant to elevate and others are to demean.

The interesting thing is...the same situation can be described by two different people in two different ways. One sees the situation in a positive light and the other in a negative light.

But when you look at the words they use to describe the situation....one person's words destroy and the other person's uplift.

And the only thing that I can conclude is that the difference lies not the person, necessarily, but in the people who said the comments...they are the beholder...it is their perspective, their bias, their mood, their opinion, their hidden agenda and motives, and personality that drives what they say and do.

So the question is....who do you want to be? Do you want to be one who elevates others...brings joy, lifts spirits, spreads happiness?

Or do you want to be the person who tears down someone...cracks their foundation...and takes a piece of them away from others?

We need to think strongly about the words we use....you never know how they will be received...and it is VERY important to remember that the receiver determines the message.

So chose wisely...your words do matter...they do change people...and that may not be a good thing. Do you want to risk it by using hurtful words....

Perfectly Imperfect

Nobody's perfect. That is true. We do all have faults and we do all have flaws. I remember in school that I even had teachers that would not allow a grade of 100% even if you got every question correct because "nobody was perfect".

But, perfection isn't just a matter of complete flawlessness. Perfection is sometimes in the eye of the beholder; perfection is not the person or object.

You see, perfection can be an opinion and not just a fact.

There are things I see in myself, the way I look, that I used to consider flaws. But I have gotten a bit wiser now and have reconsidered. For example, I have freckles....which i don't mind at all. In fact, I like them. Except this one freckle. It is darker than the others and located right above my upper lip, right in the middle. I used to be (and maybe still am) so self-conscious of it, that I would cover my mouth a lot, especially when I would smile. I used to think, "if only I could have that one freckle lasered away."

But, now, I have come to realize, that without that one freckle....and without all the other "little things" that I thought I would change if I could...all of those changes would add up. And that would change something very important. It would be changing the big picture. And you know what...the big picture...it is pretty darn good.

And, as with any piece of fine art...after standing back and looking at the big picture and gaining an appreciation for it...you start to look at the finer details. And those details are often what, in someone's opinion (even if it is only ONE person's opinion), make the picture perfect.

So, my freckle. The one above my upper lip. I like it there now. Because I know that to someone, that may be the one thing that makes me perfectly imperfect in their eyes.

Surprises

I realized within the last couple of months that I really do like surprises. In fact, I love them. I was fortunate enough to be the receiver of many surprises…and because of that, I learned this about myself.

For my whole life, I considered myself as someone who did not like surprises. I liked to know what was happening when it was going to happen. I wanted the things I wanted. But I have recently learned that I really do like surprises, I just never had had anyone who knew me well enough to do the right things to as surprises. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. I don’t mean it to.

I just think that people who plan surprises assume they are doing something that is desirable to the person they are doing it for. For that to be the case, I think you really have to know someone...and that does not necessarily mean for a length of time, but that you pay attention to the small stuff and that you look, listen and read in between the lines. I think the surprises I have had for much of my life were superficial surprises…and maybe what I prefer is those like I described…the ones where someone really had to take notice.

When a surprise is delivered and I know that not only was thought put into the surprise but also a message is attached to the surprise, I know that I was deeply considered. And being deeply considered is a surprise in and of itself. So, I have been doubly blessed and cared for every time I was surprised.

Giving More Love than We thought We were Capable of Giving

I think that we often believe we have limits to how much we can love or give. But the truth of the matter is, when put to the test, those limits can be stretched farther and farther than we ever imagined and often to the point of physical and emotional pain.

Sometimes loving more means that you have to do more things than you ever thought you would have to do. Like when expecting a baby and you anticipate a “normal” child. But that is not the way it works out. You have no choice but to love and give more than you thought--it is not really a choice even, but something that just happens because it is only natural as a parent to do that. I think that in those circumstances when you see your child master what might be a simple skill or have a moment that may not seem so big for a typical child, the feeling of your heart swelling with love is perhaps magnified for parents of a child with a disability. That is a sign of loving more than we thought possible. Those little moments take on more meaning because perhaps we never expected our child to get there or maybe we just worked harder and waited longer to get them there.

But other times loving more than we thought we were capable takes great effort. And in those circumstances, growth occurs. Sometimes loving more means giving up and making a sacrifice. That is when love hurts…giving to the point of pain. Maybe that is when we truly do love the most. … to be able to make such a sacrifice and bear the pain. No one wants to feel that…but we make the choice to for whatever the reason…a reason bigger than us.

But who knows…time…time doesn’t have to get in the way. Time can change things. Sacrifices don’t always have to be forever…and maybe in the end, the sacrifice will pay-off.

The Journeys of Socrates by Dan Millman....my reflections

"When I was young, I believed that life might unfold in an orderly way, according to my hopes and expectations. But now I understand that the Way winds like a river; always changing, ever onward...My journeys revealed that the Way itself creates the warrior; that every path leads to peace, every choice to wisdom."~From Socrates' Journal

“Please, Serafim, I don’t need you to constantly remind me to relax and breathe. I understand your point!” “Doing is understanding,” Serafim said.
Words…we can get the gist of their meaning…our minds can understand. But until we live those words, act upon those words, be those words, we do not understand them to the fullest extent. Doing what we say we understand demonstrates true understanding…and the doing is much more difficult and painful than simply saying we get it. At times, it can be quite suffocating when what we have to do is something we do not want to have to do…but it is something that in the end it what is the best for us despite the pain of loss of something we desire.

“You still cling to the familiar, Socrates, to rote techniques you’ve repeated a thousand times. But you can’t preplan for every situation. Reality will surprise you every time.
I am guilty of clinging to the familiar, to the comfortable even when that is poisonous to me. In fact, it is possible that I have deliberately kept myself in chaotic situations because that is what I grew up accustomed to. Living in chaos is what I knew…I developed keen skills for pre-planning…to the point of absurdity at times. But in planning, I felt like I had control. Control is just an illusion, though, because, reality does get you every time. I have had to learn that planning too far in advance causes you to miss important things in the present…and it is wasted effort…so many things change along the way…then I’m back in chaos because my plans have been disrupted.

"In combat, there’s no time to think. Beforehand, you may plan and strategize, but all plans are tentative and must change on the spur of the moment. Whatever happens, there’s only one certainty: It will not go exactly as you expect. So expect nothing, but be prepared for anything. Relax and trust your body’s wisdom. It will respond on it’s own."
Things will not go exactly as you expect…the bane of my existence to this point is having expectations. I had them because I know I would do for others what I was expecting them to do for me. That is unfair. Other people are not me, do not have the same physical and emotional capabilities or desires as me. So in expecting things, I set myself up for disappointment every single time. Better to expect nothing and be prepared for anything.

“As long as you stay relaxed and mobile,” Serafim remarked, “you’ll never again become weighed down by many hands.”
In the story, Socrates had been held down by many hands while his he watched his wife and unborn child be murdered…that is to what this quote refers…But, more symbolically, to me, it means that by staying relaxed, mobile, flexible, fluid, you will not be weighed down not only by people’s hands but people’s words, deeds, actions. Being relaxed and again, expecting nothing, allows you to be hurt far less.

“Life is about refinement, not perfection. And you still have refining to do.”
Refining…that is what life is about…not striving for perfection. But becoming better over time. Learning from our past, our mistakes, and our successes, and putting that which we have learned into practice… that is how we refine.

“If you can’t use anything else,” Serafim urged, “use your wits. You may surprise yourself with your abilities, even against great odds.”
Wits can really be something if we use them. So much of the time, I think we go through life half witless. We ignore logic, let our fears, irrationalities and emotions get the best of us. Some of us have been conditioned to be that way because of the environments we have grown up in…but we can change that…stop ourselves in our tracks…use our wits, think things through and come out ahead against the odds.

“The true warrior, Socrates, retains his humanity even in battle. In winning a brutal victory, you may still lose your soul. Those who fight the dragon may become the dragon.”
When we wage a battle against our enemy (the one who hurt us, destroyed us, robbed us), it is really often our inner demon that we are fighting. The monster we created within…the anger that has built up over time…that has consumed us…that is the real enemy now…that is the dragon, too. When we allow ourselves to fight the dragon (both the enemy and our inner monster), we can become the dragon. We can become vicious, angry, and vengeful. No matter how much we say we just want to just to it to honor someone else or to get even, revenge and hate can consume us and instead of feeling pity for those who have harmed us for their foul ways, in our vengeance we become more like them…we become the dragon.

“Training never ends,” Serafim responded. “It only evolves, depending upon your purpose.”
We are never done…learning, growing, changing. As we go through life, we encounter people, situations, and circumstances that provide us an opportunity for training.

“A vow you made to yourself, not to God. In truth, Socrates, you have no opponents but yourself. Make peace within, and there will be no one who can overcome you. And no one you will wish to overcome.”
I am my worst opponent. Have been for as long as I can remember. I beat myself up more than anyone else could ever do. Some of it is self-inflicted from my mouth to my ears…and some of it is my setting myself up for it. I HAVE to make peace within. I have to get to that point where I do not wish to lash back at those who hurt me…to get to the point where what they do or say just simply does not hurt me because I have that peace within. I have to get to that point because then, too, nothing anyone says or does will have power over me.

“The intellect is a great ladder into the sky, but it stops short of the heavens. Only the heart’s wisdom can light the way. Your namesake, Socrates, reminded the youth of Athens that ‘Wisdom begins in wonder…’
“But beyond these lofty words, Serafim--what am I to do?”
“What is anyone to do? Put one foot in front of the other! You are only a player in a drama greater than anyone but God can conceive…sometimes I’m not so sure that even God can make sense of it!” he said, laughing. “We can only play the role we are given. Do you understand? Those who appear in your life--whether to help or to harm--are all given by God. Meet all of them with a peaceful heart, but with a warrior’s spirit. You will fail many times, but in failing, you will learn, and in learning you’ll find your way. In the meantime, surrender to God’s will, to the life you were given, moment by moment.”
“How can I know God’s will, Serafim?”
“Faith does not rely on knowing anything with certainty,” he said. “it requires only the courage to accept that whatever happens, whether it brings pleasure or pain, it for the highest good.”
Our minds can get us only so far. We need our hearts too. For those of us who have been hurt badly, we would like to close off the heart to protect it. But we can’t…it is necessary.
As painful as it is, one foot in front of the other is all we can do some days. We play the role
I do believe that there are reasons…reasons for everything…the good and the bad. In the moment, we may not know the reason or mistake the reason. But years later, looking back, perhaps we can see the bigger plan, the bigger picture. Failures are part of learning. Loss is part of learning. But in learning, we do find our way…but only if we learn. Stay in the moment…
Faith is like trust…it requires courage. Even when it brings pain…perhaps it was for the greater good, as heartbreaking as that may be.

“As we die from one life into the next…we may also die and be reborn in a single lifetime…and the story, the journey, goes on and on…”
I have died and I want to be reborn…and I want a new journey…a new story.

The Time to Wise Up Has Come

As I sit here at work on what is my last day...after over 17 years of working here...I know that the one to blame for my troubles here is ME. I allowed this to happen. For 17 years, I sent a message to them that I will allow myself to be treated as less than what I deserve.

During the last year, I became a fighter. I started to stand up for myself, for what I believe in and to take a stand against others who have hurt me. Some people do not like that. But that does not mean that I am wrong for doing so...it just means that they are uncomfortable with the new side of me...it was unexpected and unplanned...it just happened. I had had enough. And maybe I do not handle things as others think I should...again, it does not mean that I am wrong...it is an opinion. But,I do know that there is always room for improvement in everything we do...so, yes, I'm sure I could have handled things better. And I do know that I OWN my part.

During the last year, I had a lot of time to reflect on the choices I have made and own up to my responsibility for the choices I have made in my life. The issues at my job were devestating to me. Those who cared enough to listen, know just how bad things were and still are...

I made myself a note one day at work...several months ago...it said,

"What you allow to happen to you indicates to others how you will tolerate being treated. What are YOU worth?"

I have worked very hard to keep that in my mind daily. I work hard to realize that just as I set the bar high for myself for what I want to achieve in life, I need to set the bar high for how I will tolerate being treated.

My fear of loving and losing has kept me in a point of stagnation for a very long time. Being afraid of "what if I say I want more or deserve better treatment and I lose, him, her, it..." where has it gotten me? I am still at ground zero with a foundation made of sand...and when the wind blows, my house falls down every time. It is time to build a foundation made of concrete...

I have been saying for some time now that I would rather be me and stand up for what I believe is right, what I believe in even if that means that I am standing alone...I'd rather be alone and extraordinary than in a group of people who are just so-so. It is time that I put my words into action. Live what I believe in my head to be true.

I KNOW I am a good person and I KNOW I deserve better...and it is time I wise up and make it happen.

Fixing the Broken

We project to the world our exterior. People who know me have seen a pretty together person...straight A's, PTO president....pretty much the best at everything I put my mind to. They call me an overachiever. Personally, I hate that term...I think there is no such thing as overachieving....I think we achieve to our own ability...or at least make the choice to achieve it or not to achieve it. But, we can achieve higher than someone else's expectations of us...but that does not make us an over achiever...it just means someone else's standard it lower than our ability. Just my opinion...

Anyways, on the outside, I am a rock. I can make it look really good.

On the inside...that is where the mess is. That is where the clean up needs to begin.

There are so many things to repair, renew, and rebuild that I'm not quite sure where to begin. But I guess as with everything else I have had to do in life, I should just pick one thing and fix it. Then another and then another.

It is quite hard to fight more that one battle at a time...it can be done by a skilled warrior, perhaps. But I don't yet have those skills. So, it is one at a time for me. I'm not really sure what all I have to work on but I have managed to identify a few things....

1) I need to stop putting myself down and stop setting myself up to be disappointed.
2) I need to stop measuring myself by what other people say or think about me.
3) I need to make wise choices with my mind...
4) I need to use the tools I have within me. . .even when it is scary to do so.
5) I need to live in the here and now...take what I have learned from the past but stay in the hear and now...don't go back and live there.

So, I'm not sure how to do all of this...but I know that I can do number 1...so I will start there. I will stop putting myself down and setting myself up to be disappointed.

So, no more putting myself down, because basically, I'm pretty awesome. And any attention I get should be good attention...I don't need to bring negative attention to myself.

If I know it is not in someone's character to give me something I need, then it is on me to have expected it or taken the risk to begin with...

So, I need to catch myself before I do those things...
* first step is recognizing that I do it
* second step is catching myself in the act of doing it (too late this time, though...but learn from it)
* third step, avoid doing it altogether.

Strength

I had not always believed that strength could come from brokenness, or that the thread of divine purpose could be seen in tragedy. But I do now. ~Max Clelend

So lately a lot of people have been telling me that I am stronger than I think. In all honesty, I know that is true...that is why I am still here...it takes a strong person to do the things I have had to do in my life.

Even though I spent the better part of the last year and a half essentially curled up in a ball hiding and crying, I was still strong through all of that. My strength was just buried deeply...because i was tired and I put it there.

So now, as I think about strength, I wonder what strength really is....is there just strength, lots of kinds of strengths, or one kind of strength with many variations.

I think about cookies....yes cookies. Oreo cookies, as a matter of fact. I have the strength to NOT buy them at the store. But if I do buy them, I still have the strength to not eat them as long as the package is closed. I may go to my cupboards 50 times that day and look at the package, but I won't open it. But, once that package is open, the strength is gone...

So, that is just cookies...but what about the really important stuff...

What about the strength you need to say goodbye when you don't want to?
What about the strength it takes to trust?
What about having the strength to walk away from something or someone you have grown comfortable with?
What about having the strength to draw a line of what you will accept and being able to stick with it?
What about the strength it takes to accept something like your child having a disability?
What about the strength it takes to come back from life changing injury?
What about the strength it takes to overcome the past and live for today?
What about the strength it takes to look yourself in the mirror and see things you do not like?

I don't think all strength is equal...but maybe I am wrong...maybe I have to keep searching for the answer to this question.

Lifelines

I think it is mysterious how people enter and leave our lives at certain points. Somehow we move around in the same town, in the same state, country, world and in some strange way, we meet people who are able to give us just what we need at that moment.

Sadly, not everyone of those people stays in our lives...people come and go. I have lost a lot of people who were monumentally important to me during certain points of my life. Lost may not be the right word, though...maybe I have been looking at it wrong for all these years. Maybe their time was done...whatever the purpose of our relationship was, for them, their time was done...even though mine may not have been. And because I had needs, wants, expectations, I felt a loss...discarded, thrown away.

And I think, after some talks and reflection, that that is because I have not been enough for me. So one of my daily battles lately is that I have to be enough for me...I am uncomfortable with being alone because it means that I have to deal with me...address me...focus on me. I have avoided that for as long as I can remember. But now...I have no choice...it is not a matter of whether I want to or not but a matter of I have to. I need to be whole. I need to address me and define me. When I get to be enough for me...then I will know I can take myself to someone else as a whole person.

So how do I get from where I am to where I need to be...

I think it partially comes back around to people...the ones who come along at the right time...

I've had several people come into my life in the last few months...some I have known for a while longer but with whom my relationship has developed in a different way, others who I have just met, and others still who I only know in cyber-world.

But the thing is...they are all here for a reason...and it points to the fact that the most important person is the one who is there at the right time and in the right place.

A new friend commented to me that when seeing me with my sons for the first time, he could tell how natural and close my relationship to them was...that you can't fake that. I had not been aware he'd been watching. And that comment was golden to me...after everything I'd been through.

I have a friend who is the most amazing shoulder to cry on...and i cannot even begin to cover the things she has said to me...but I know above all people, I can trust her to be honest.

And I have had people who I have met online who have taught me things...and helped guide my journey and made me see things or face things about myself that I would not have otherwise had the courage to do.

My professor tonight said two very profound things that apply totally to my life and I want to remember them always....

"Nobody in their right mind would say "yeah, you treated me bad, let me come
back so you can treat me bad again."

"Better NOT to commit to something than not make good on something you
have committed to."

So I am glad for my lifelines...whoever they are and however long they can stay in my life.

Through My Eyes

I know that some people think with their heads and others think with their hearts...but most people, I believe use both. Which wins out, the head or the heart, changes from moment to moment...literally.

For some people the scale is often weighted towards one of the two, mind or heart, most of the time. I wonder if that is dependent on nature (what we are born with ) or nurture (the environment we grow up in)...

There are some things that I have thought in the last couple of months...that perhaps some will think is nothing but emotional garbage...but, nonetheless, it is what I think or feel or whatever you want to call it...and I'm entitled to that...take it or leave it...

* We need to look for the good. It is there. In a world that seems so full of bad, where we are always suspicious of motives and actions....we cannot forget that there is good. When we have been trained, by virtue of our past, to look for the bad, we miss out on the good. So don't close that off...be open to looking for the good and maybe one day, you will see it more easily.

* It is better to stand alone and be extraordinary than to be one of a number of people who are so-so. It is o.k. to be a better person than most. Even when others want to beat you down to hold you back. I think that people make excuses all the time..."well this is just how it is so we just have to accept it." And to that I say "NO, we don't". I think that maybe, if I stand alone long enough, eventually, someone will come and stand beside me...and then I won't be alone anymore.

* I prefer simple words filled with big meaning over big words with simple meaning. Some people get hung up on words. Some people think that you need to have fanciful words or eloquent words to say what you feel or to get your meaning across. There are so many people who have fantastic "words" but those words carry no meaning at all. Words can sometime be just words and nothing more. People can say whatever they want....and their words can be meaningless, pointless or hurtful. In the movie "All About Steve" (which was not necessarily a box office hit, but it had a great lesson) Mary Horowitz (a cruciverbalist or person who creates crossword puzzles for a living) had a great line:
"Words people! Words! There are meaningful words, there are pointless words, and then
there are words that hurt!"
To me, I know when words have meaning...and when I hear them, I am usually left speechless...

* Sometimes it only takes just one. I truly do believe that despite considering ourselves "no one special" and despite being one of many. The important thing is that you are the right one, at the right time, in the right place. And if you are that one...then you are the most important one.

* Sometimes, admitting that we need help is a bigger sign of strength than hiding behind a facade of false strength. I know that I and some others I know put on a really good front to everyone else. True strength is acknowledging your limitations and weaknesses...and moving on from there...whether it be to work to get stronger or get help where you need it.

* If you want something bad enough, you will do it....no excuses. If you are not happy where you are, doing what you are doing, listen to yourself. Make the change, sooner rather than later. Don't let fears and comfort get in the way. Some of the hardest things we do in life make us uncomfortable. I for one waited too long to act on my dreams...if you want to do something else with your life...go back to school...don't be afraid...make a choice for you to be happy...it will hopefully make those around you happier, too.

* Taking risks and going on adventures is not something I've ever really done...I always played it safe...looking back, I wish I hadn't. There is a lot to be learned from risk taking and going on adventures. You challenge yourself...learn about yourself, expose yourself to new ideas. Those are all good things...I missed out.

* Writing things down can help you a lot. You don't have to have fantastic words or be a great speller. If you just write down words as if they were spilling from your mind right onto the paper, you are doing fine. I once wrote someone, "Just write your stream of thought.
it doesn't matter if it is organized or make sense to anyone else but you...you will be the only one to read it unless you want to share it with someone."

* We get two shots at life...one as a child and one as an adult... When you have a bad childhood, it can make the adulthood seem harder, too. People who came out on the more acceptable side of a bad childhood (the way I see it, is you either become an addict etc. yourself, or you become over achieving or controlling) still have it very hard. We expect more from ourselves and we don't feel like we ever do enough. It is like the "How Full is Your Bucket" book... We fill each others, including our own, buckets by doing good deeds and giving compliments to others...pointing out the good stuff. We take out of others (and our own) buckets with hurtful words and deeds. For people who have had a bad childhood or rough life at any point, I think it is like we are working with a bucket with holes in it. Even when we are working hard at filling others, the bucket leaks. But, I found it in me to tell someone once, "You have already won....you just don't realize because you are empty and winning doesn't feel like much when you are empty."

Two and a Half Months

I knew someone once for two and a half months. I know it does not seem like a long time to know someone. But I think it is funny how sometimes we can go our whole lives knowing someone and not really KNOW them. And for others, in two and a half months, we can get to know someone more deeply than those we have known our whole lives.

This person taught me a lot…
• To always look people in the eye…no matter what…don’t look away…it shows them that you are confident (even when inside you may really not be).
• To always keep my guard up…and to look at all the angles. Things may not always seem the way we think they are and we need to keep protected by looking at all the angles.
• That when someone says something negative, to always remember that it is just what one person is saying…and that it doesn’t mean it is true.
• That when you have an opponent in any form, to find the humor in the situation…it will keep you more focused than if you were stressed and upset.
• That in Kenpo, the defense is not the move itself but the 100’s of variations on the move. You have to use one defense in a different way depending on the need.
• That I am capable 100%
* You have to give trust to get trust.

This person said that trust is like falling with nothing to grip onto. And this person is right. Trust is scary.
This person said not to let time get in the way.
This person cared enough to really listen to me when no one else did.
This person noticed the small stuff that carried big meaning.
This person made me smile when I thought I never would again.