Life is Lesson Book…Learning from the Characters in the Story

We tend to judge a book by its cover when we first pick it up and then we only read the back cover before making a decision about whether it is worth discovering more deeply. Some people may read the first few chapters and quit a book because itis "not interesting" but all the while, they never really give it a fair try because in the chaotic world around them, there were distractions that only allowed them to be partially focused on the story.  But, if given a fair shot, that book may just well be the one of the best books they have ever read.

Some people read two or more books at once.  One book may start out thrilling and the other a bit more slowly.  The thrilling book might grab attention and pull a reader into the story but as the story progresses, perhaps the reader learns that it is not all that they anticipated and in the end, it just was not as satisfying...they did not like the ending.  The other book starts out slowly, and the characters become well developed before the plot starts to take off.  Character development, making a personal connection with at least one character in a story, is what truly makes a book interesting. Sharing something in common and then experiencing the story along with the character is what really makes a book good and a worthwhile read...it is often not the action, but the personal connection.

But people aren't books.  You can't tell by looking at people you meet what their story is.  And you can't even tell after a brief encounter with them what they are really like.  And that is why it is important to remember to be kind to everyone you meet...you never know what they are dealing with.  Making snap judgments about people only serves to do two things... it hurts them and you.  When you make an uninformed decision about people you might be missing out on something remarkable...and you definitely send a message to them that they are not worth some discovery.

Books don't get hurt when we return them to the library or let them lay on our bedside table for months unread.  But people do get hurt when we don't give them a chance and when we pass judgment without all the details of their story.  Some stories are short, and some stories are long but however long it takes to make an informed decision about a person by allowing the "character" to be developed, we should give them and ourselves the benefit of that time.

I like books and I like people.  I like making connections.  I like how the internal and external dialog of a character I connect with makes me reflect on my own past, my viewpoints, and my interpretations about life.  And I like how my external dialog with people causes me to do the same thing.  By reading a book or "reading" a person by truly getting to know them and understand them, we can change and grow as a person.  But the difference between books and people is that you as the reader of a book don't change the book (although our personal reaction to a book may be different than someoneelse's).  But, you as the "reader" of another person can have the same effect on them as they have on you.  There can be reciprocity in the relationship and both you and the other person can change and grow.

That is one reason why it is important to give someone a chance...life is a big lesson book.  And we learn the most in life from the characters in the story.  We need to let the characters be developed before making a decision that the story is not worth the read.

Letting it Go

When things upset me, I used to bottle it up inside and as I grew, the capacity for what I could hold grew proportionately. No one knew what I kept inside of me...no one knew by looking at my together exterior that the interior was a tumultuous mess.

Sometimes, I would go in my room and cry by myself and I thought that was "letting it go". Through the tears...but it was not, because although the tears escaped, I swallowed down the pain or anger and put back on my happy face to present to everyone else. No issues were resolved but just locked up again.

So today, I am thinking about how to "let it go".

I think it would be nice if it was as easy as a deep breath being exhaled...

Or, letting go could be like blowing bubbles and seeing the float away and pop...

Letting go could be like a helium balloon being let go to fly away into the sky...

It could be like an angry fire that has burnt out...

Or, maybe as simple as blowing out a candle...


I have a lot to let go of. And it is not so much the individual acts but what those acts have represented.

I don't really know for sure how to let things go...but i wish it were as simple as blowing bubbles or letting a helium balloon float away.

I have a feeling though, that it has to start with ME. And the fact of the matter is, that most issues that bring me disappointment in my adult life, I bring upon myself by having expectations and hopes. Professor Herb said in class one night that people adjust their expectations, but they do not adjust their hopes.

For the things of TODAY, I'm pretty sure, that for me to "let it go" maybe I need to not take it on to begin with...or at least some things, anyways. I need to adjust my expectations. Just because I would do something, does not mean that others would or should... And, just because I think someone should do something a certain way, does not mean they will.

So, if i can just get myself to STOP before i have those expectations, I will not be setting myself up to have things to "let go of." I think that I can keep myself from taking on anymore...

But, for the things that I do need to "let go of" from the PAST....well, maybe I will try blowing bubbles and watching balloons float off into the sky. And maybe on an cool October day, I will sit by a campfire and watch a raging fire burn until the last ember has extinguished. And all the while, i will be thinking of how to release the hurt and anger I have held inside of me for 30 years. I want to let it go...but I'm not quite sure how just yet.

The Mist

Living in the mist...it is like living a life but not really living. It is going through the motions but being afraid to take risks, to go beyond your walls, and to test yourself. The mist helps to protect you from others...it is a disguise.

Sometimes we choose to live in the mist because it feels safe. But because we don't want to be alone, we find someone else to come be with us in the mist. And usually, when that happens, it is also someone who wants that for themselves. But living life with someone with you in the mist is no healthier than living life alone in the mist. It is just that there are now two people going nowhere instead of one.

To really live a healthy life, you have to get out of the mist. And to do that, we need to not allow the past to haunt us. It is nearly impossible to forget the past, true. But we can either allow it to haunt us or to transform us.

It only haunts us if we let it.

The healthier choice is to not let that happen. Rather, what you learn and take away from the past in the form of a lesson or message, and how you transform from there changes your perspective as you look back upon it.

And if we allow that transformation to happen, slowly we can walk away from the mist and back into the sunshine and learn to truly live life the way it was intended to be lived.

Walking on My Journey

I just realized recently that I have not just started a journey but that I have been on a journey my whole life. For some reason, though, I had been thinking that life was a place or thing that we were. But now, I that I am seeing more clearly, I realize that I have indeed been on a journey but I was stuck at a crossroads for a very long, long time.

There are many people on the paths of life moving in different directions and on different paths. On our journey through life, we have people who walk with us. The problem I had is that I really loved those people and because of that, I wanted them to stay with me forever...I embraced them too tightly.

I did not understand that in the journey of life, people need to follow their own path, too. And their path and my path may only meet for awhile. So, when the time came for people I loved to leave my side and no longer walk beside me...I stopped walking. And I stood at the crossroads and called for them to come back. But that did not work...they continued on their journey...and they should have. So, then I turned around, and looked back at where I had come from...and I missed those people and focused on the loss I felt in their absence. And all that time...I stayed standing at the crossroads...not moving because without them, I did not know which way to go...I was not able to or chose not to be strong enough to walk alone for awhile.

I stayed for so long that I forgot about the journey. And life passed me by. People passed me by. I missed out on people and opportunities, I am sure of it. While I stood there at that crossroads, looking into the past, and calling down the paths my loved ones had taken begging for them to come back and walk with me again...I missed out and time passed that I can't get back.

But now, I have realized that life is a journey and it was me who forgot to take it. And I realize that the people I love who have come in and out of my life were only meant to walk with me for awhile. And all that time, while I was embracing them too tightly, and having too high of expectations and needs, I needed to celebrate the moments for what they were. Not only do the people in our lives bring us the gift of themselves and any messages they bear, but we, too are gifts and message bearers. And in those moments we focus too much on hopes and expectations, we might be missing the messages. And it is the messages that are the important thing to take away from the friendships because when it comes time for your paths to separate and to go on your own separate journeys, you will be better able to celebrate the time you walked together rather than stop your journey and look back in pain.

So, today, I thanked a friend for walking on my journey. And he thanked me for allowing him to walk with me. This friend has helped me to become a healthy me...not by telling me what to do or think or feel, but by making me figure it out on my own using the tools I already had. He just encouraged me to do it.

But more importantly than thanking him for walking with me...I told him that I knew that it was only for awhile...who knew how long...but I knew it was just for awhile or maybe forever...but in the meantime, I will embrace the moments and the messages. And this is important because that is one of the messages he wanted me to figure out while he walked with me on my journey...but he wanted me to figure it out on my own--he didn't just tell me--and that is what makes it even more meaningful. So, I wanted him to know that I got it.

And when the time comes for us to go our separate ways, I will be probably cry and I will miss my friend, but my tears will not be because I feel abandoned, but tears of happiness that I was so lucky to have been so blessed to have had him walk with me for awhile.

And, really, that goes for a lot of my friends right now...I am very fortunate to have so many friends in so many places. I am so glad for your company on my journey...and thank you for getting me moving again.

Puzzle

I have been working a puzzle for a few months...most of the summer, actually. I've had this puzzle my whole life. It is the puzzle of me. I carried it around in a box for a long, long time and never worked it because I did not know what the picture was...so I didn't think it was a very interesting puzzle to work.

Then one day, I went ahead and opened the box and dumped out the pieces. And just like any other puzzle, when you dump it out, some of the pieces land right side up and some land right side down. So, I sat and looked at all those puzzle pieces and felt a bit overwhelmed by all of them.

On some of them, I could see bits and pieces of pictures that seemed to fit and so I picked them up and began to put a few of the pieces together. And when I had a few pieces together, I recognized it as a part of me...

And then I would see a few more pieces and do the same with them...and again, I recognized another part of me.

Before I knew it, I had nearly half of the puzzle done....but most of the other half of the pieces were still upside down and I was not really interested in them at the moment because what I had seen so far was satisfying enough and I walked away from the puzzle.

But after time, only knowing what bits and pieces of the puzzle are gets to be a bit empty feeling....

So, I went back to work on that puzzle a little bit more...and I figured out a few more parts of the puzzle.

A picture was starting to develop...but I was and still am not quite sure what it is.

But what I do know is that I have all the pieces. None of them are missing...

What I need to do is turn over the ones I cannot see. And when I can see them all, then i will be able to complete the puzzle by putting all the bits and pieces I have figured out so far together into one whole.

And when that happens...I am pretty sure that I will like what I see because so far what I have figured out is looking pretty good.

Giving Kids a Win

It is unimaginable that a mother would do something while carrying her child that would cause it harm knowingly, but it happens. And even if the child comes out of the drug or alcohol withdrawal after it is born, it does not mean that there will not be lasting effects.

I knew a child who had that happen to him. I knew him when he was 5. And what really makes me angry is that because he had behavior issues, his hope, and the hope of his family was taken away...at least in my opinion.

You see, kids with special needs often have behavior issues and lots of them. So much so that if you tried to work on every one of them at once, there would never be a moment of peace, rest or joy in the day. Both the child and the adult would be miserable. And I know this to be true from my own personal experience.

I eventually learned that I was getting nowhere fast. And when I broke things down into manageable pieces, we were able to make progress because we could better see the successes.

So, the child I knew...every day, he was made to feel a failure. No accommodations were made for his issues. He was expected to meet the "normal" rules of the road when in his mind things did not work normal.

I think it is just plain sad. Things so simple could have been done to remove issues for this child. If he did not use scissors "appropriately" then instead of keeping scissors at the tables, maybe put all the class scissors in a bin and the students get them when they need them....take away the easy access. Voila...one problem is solved and one target off his back. Simple.

The thing about me, is that I go into a classroom unbiased...no matter what someone tells me ahead of time...One day, this child was testing me... and I knew it. He colored his whole desktop with pencil...not surprisingly, the children in the class came to tell me of his bad behavior, after all, their "reporting" of his behavior had been reinforced by the fact that he had always gotten into trouble. But for me...I just acknowledged that i saw that and sent them on their way.

The boy was quite taken aback by my reaction. He even asked if I minded. I told him I did not...that pencil was washable but that the rest of us were going to have snack now and he would not be allowed to have it until he cleaned off his desk. At that, he continued to color with pencil a minute or two longer testing me further. He asked if I was going to make him pull a ticket (behavior system)...i said no...just that he could not have snack till he cleaned off that desk...I could not let him have his snack on a dirty desk.

So, he stopped, washed his desk and had his snack. WIN! He won and I won. He did not have a target on his back and I got him to manage his own behavior. Clearly the ticket system was not working...so why keep it going.

The rest of that day...he and I had an unspoken agreement...we understood how we would work together.

At the end of that day I was telling his grandfather, who was used to the daily reports of his grandson's bad behavior, how well he had done that day. The child was BEAMING because he had had a win. And it felt good to him....so good that maybe tomorrow he might have wanted another win.

And, amazingly, someone, an adult, interrupted and reminded this child of how yesterday he had done such and such. Speechless....that winning day was stripped away from that child and for what purpose....NONE...other than to knock him down yet again. A five year old.

Well, not on my watch. Every kids gets a win. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. We have no idea what they are going through. We get them, as educators, for 6.5 hours a day...and I know that for many of them, it is the best hours of their day.

And when they are with me...there will be lots of wins...and that is because I get it. My journey in life...I picked up the messages on the way...and I get it.

Those kids like that boy...they need teachers like me...the ones who give them a win...give them a taste of what success feels like. If they don't know what it feels like then how will they know they want it?