Moving Forward on Mother's Day

Mother’s Day.  It has been one year since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day.  Today, I re-read my words from one year ago.  I thought about where I am now and where I was then.  I asked myself, “Did you move on or are you still in the same place as you were a year ago?”  At first, I thought I was not much better off.  After all, I seem to still be searching.

But, as the day went on, I realized that we can move on in a lot of different ways.  And I have moved on and quite remarkably, to be honest.  

A year ago, I had realized that all of the sheltering I had done to prevent my son from getting teased was in vain.  I wrote, “I would have been better served to prepare myself for that than to work so hard trying to prevent it.  I need to accept the world for what it is.”   I still believe that. 

Being teased is a part of life.  I was teased. I remember the hurt I felt from being teased.  When my son was a preschooler, a neighbor child told my son and me that he would not play with my son.  I was crushed.  I’m not sure my son understood, but I know he does not remember that, today.  Perhaps, my efforts were to prevent him from having memories like I have.

At any rate, a year later, I have realized this…

Not only do I need to accept the world for what it really is but I need to accept my son for whom he really is.

Since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day, I have allowed my son to make choices for himself.  I have considered that he knows what is best for him in certain situations…and that I do not always know best.  My son is amazing.  My son is interesting.  My son is unique.  My son chooses to not do things with other people most weekends.  I ask him if he would like to and he replies, “No.”  My son attends Boy Scout functions nearly every weekend.  I have considered that, perhaps, to him, the six and a half hours a day he spends at school and the time he spends at scouts is enough for him. 

Him.  I have focused on him more and me less.  This is not about what I want all the time.  It is about what he wants.

Re-entering “life” does not mean I have to re-enter my old life… and that’s ok.

I wanted to start moving again.  But, moving in the circle I was in before was awkward.  I was different and other people were different.  I quickly gave up on that attempt.  At first, I felt like a quitter.  I felt like I was unwelcome and I quit…again.  But, I thought about it and I realized that I wanted different things for me anyways.  I was “moving on” not going back.  So, my purpose this past year was to make a new life for myself.  And I did…but, it is a work in progress.  I completed my student teaching.  I got a job teaching preschool for Head Start.  I made new friends.  

I may only be able to control myself, but if I am not moving at all what am I really controlling?

The last several months, I find myself always saying, “I am going to do great things.”  I have always known I am capable of great things.  I have to make those words come to life.  No matter what I do, if I don’t work at it, my “great things” stay hidden.  

I can write fantastic research papers, but if I don’t submit them for publication, I am only limiting myself.  I control that.  

I can be a fantastic teacher, but if I am not aggressive in my job search, if I don’t go to career services and get help perfecting my resume, if I don’t do everything I know I can do… I keep myself hidden.  I control that.

 

I want to be a young adult children’s literature author.  If I don’t practice my skill, discover how to get published, make connections…no one will ever know what I can do.  I control that.

I can say I want to promote autism awareness in our schools, but talking isn’t doing.  If I don’t write the speeches and make the presentations, and finding an outlet and an audience, ignorance continues.  I control that.

On this Mother’s Day, I realize that, while I am not yet where I would like to be with my life, I have moved on.  I am going to keep on moving…forward, not backwards.   I have realized that while it may not be about the destination but the journey, the destination is important.  I know what my destination is.  And, I am wise enough to know that there are many beautiful paths to get me there.  I won’t allow myself to be disappointed.  I will get there.   I don’t know how and I don’t know when.  But I will get there.  I will get there happier because I have learned lessons from my pain…and I am going to do great things in spite of that pain and because of that pain.  Just you wait and see.  So, this year, I will move forward on Mother's Day.