You Never Know What You're Gonna Get

"My momma always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.'" ~ Forrest Gump 

 I was never a big fan of boxed chocolates...well, except for the Whitman's Sampler which has the flavors identified in the lid.  Unlike the famous quote of Forrest Gump's momma, with respect to the Whitman Sampler, you do know what you're gonna get.  I was always the type of girl who knew exactly what I wanted and I only wanted that.  So, as far as boxed chocolates were concerned, the Whitman's Sampler was pure brilliance. There were no unfortunate surprises.  You always knew exactly what you were going to get.

 

But, not all boxes of chocolates are as considerate as Whitman's Sampler, and especially with respect to life, Forrest's momma was right...you never know what you're gonna get.

This past Wednesday, I had the pleasure of listening to students whom I had taught a writing lesson to play the theme song from Forrest Gump at a band concert.  To introduce the song, one of the students, in his best Forrest Gump imitation said, "My momma always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.'"  I sat there, tears welling in my eyes, so proud of "my" students who were not mine to claim...students who were in the sixth grade, whom I had taught intermittently as a substitute teacher since they were kindergartners.  

That day, I had been happy...I had that feeling back that I had felt just years before.  The feeling of satisfaction with what you are doing with your life, that the students in front of you appreciate what you are doing, that what you are sharing with them matters, that you are building them up in a meaningful way.  

When the band started playing, I reflected back on how I felt when I stated graduate school.  I was eager and full of anticipation.  I thought I knew exactly how things were going to play out.  I would go to school, get my teaching license and the school that I had been a substitute teacher at for six years would certainly have a place for me.  I wanted that.  The students wanted that.  I was certain that with my hard work and my passion that I would finally find my place in life.

But..."life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you are going to get".  I find myself, three years later, not with a job at the school I so badly wanted to teach, not with the students whom I have known and cared for for six years, not where I had anticipated.  There are no jobs.

I find myself searching, still.  Searching for my place in life.  Searching for the students, the school, the colleagues, the place where I can share my passion.  I don't know if I will have to move away from the area I have lived my whole life to find a job.  I don't know if I will have to relocate my family.  I don't like uncertainty. Or is is mystery?  To be honest, it is one in the same.  Uncertainty, mystery...either way, I don't know what the future holds...I cannot control it.  What I can control is my attitude towards the not knowing.

I don't know much right now, but I do know that I still am not a fan of boxes of chocolates...But life is not a box of chocolates.  I can buy the Whitman's Sampler and pick and choose the pieces I like.  I cannot do that with life.  I have to either choose to take life's uncertainties, mysteries and unknowns in stride or let them destroy me in anxieties.  As life is revealed to me, I choose to embrace it or fight it.  You never know what you are gonna get...momma was right.  But you can choose how to handle it.  And to some extent, you can make that a part of who you are at all times.  It is hard work...no doubt about it.  But, at least, as Forrest said, you can "look back and say I didn't lead no humdrum life."

Moving Forward on Mother's Day

Mother’s Day.  It has been one year since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day.  Today, I re-read my words from one year ago.  I thought about where I am now and where I was then.  I asked myself, “Did you move on or are you still in the same place as you were a year ago?”  At first, I thought I was not much better off.  After all, I seem to still be searching.

But, as the day went on, I realized that we can move on in a lot of different ways.  And I have moved on and quite remarkably, to be honest.  

A year ago, I had realized that all of the sheltering I had done to prevent my son from getting teased was in vain.  I wrote, “I would have been better served to prepare myself for that than to work so hard trying to prevent it.  I need to accept the world for what it is.”   I still believe that. 

Being teased is a part of life.  I was teased. I remember the hurt I felt from being teased.  When my son was a preschooler, a neighbor child told my son and me that he would not play with my son.  I was crushed.  I’m not sure my son understood, but I know he does not remember that, today.  Perhaps, my efforts were to prevent him from having memories like I have.

At any rate, a year later, I have realized this…

Not only do I need to accept the world for what it really is but I need to accept my son for whom he really is.

Since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day, I have allowed my son to make choices for himself.  I have considered that he knows what is best for him in certain situations…and that I do not always know best.  My son is amazing.  My son is interesting.  My son is unique.  My son chooses to not do things with other people most weekends.  I ask him if he would like to and he replies, “No.”  My son attends Boy Scout functions nearly every weekend.  I have considered that, perhaps, to him, the six and a half hours a day he spends at school and the time he spends at scouts is enough for him. 

Him.  I have focused on him more and me less.  This is not about what I want all the time.  It is about what he wants.

Re-entering “life” does not mean I have to re-enter my old life… and that’s ok.

I wanted to start moving again.  But, moving in the circle I was in before was awkward.  I was different and other people were different.  I quickly gave up on that attempt.  At first, I felt like a quitter.  I felt like I was unwelcome and I quit…again.  But, I thought about it and I realized that I wanted different things for me anyways.  I was “moving on” not going back.  So, my purpose this past year was to make a new life for myself.  And I did…but, it is a work in progress.  I completed my student teaching.  I got a job teaching preschool for Head Start.  I made new friends.  

I may only be able to control myself, but if I am not moving at all what am I really controlling?

The last several months, I find myself always saying, “I am going to do great things.”  I have always known I am capable of great things.  I have to make those words come to life.  No matter what I do, if I don’t work at it, my “great things” stay hidden.  

I can write fantastic research papers, but if I don’t submit them for publication, I am only limiting myself.  I control that.  

I can be a fantastic teacher, but if I am not aggressive in my job search, if I don’t go to career services and get help perfecting my resume, if I don’t do everything I know I can do… I keep myself hidden.  I control that.

 

I want to be a young adult children’s literature author.  If I don’t practice my skill, discover how to get published, make connections…no one will ever know what I can do.  I control that.

I can say I want to promote autism awareness in our schools, but talking isn’t doing.  If I don’t write the speeches and make the presentations, and finding an outlet and an audience, ignorance continues.  I control that.

On this Mother’s Day, I realize that, while I am not yet where I would like to be with my life, I have moved on.  I am going to keep on moving…forward, not backwards.   I have realized that while it may not be about the destination but the journey, the destination is important.  I know what my destination is.  And, I am wise enough to know that there are many beautiful paths to get me there.  I won’t allow myself to be disappointed.  I will get there.   I don’t know how and I don’t know when.  But I will get there.  I will get there happier because I have learned lessons from my pain…and I am going to do great things in spite of that pain and because of that pain.  Just you wait and see.  So, this year, I will move forward on Mother's Day.

Cultivating a Respect for Others ~ A Reflection on the Dalai Lama's Words

The current Dalai Lama recently (May 7, 2012) posted on his Facebook fan page.

"The quality of everything we do: our physical actions, our verbal actions, and even our mental actions, depends on our motivation. That's why it's important for us to examine our motivation in our day to day life. If we cultivate respect for others and our motivation is sincere, if we develop a genuine concern for others’ well-being, then all our actions will be positive."

Being a fan of words and how we use them in writing to create a feeling, a visual image, or to use them to create what I like to call "magical moments in writing", I was taken with the phrase "cultivate respect for others".  It made me think about how I want other people to respect me and how I respect other people.  But, I consider myself to be a fairly respectable person and I think most people I know are fairly respectable.

So what does "cultivate a respect for others" mean?

Well, one definition of cultivate states "to promote or improve the growth of (a plant, crop, etc.) by labor and attention" (dictionary.com).  Hmm.  Cultivating a respect for others implies that it takes hard work (labor) and attention.  While I knew that it took hard work, a certain personality trait, a pattern of behavior, a lifestyle, and a lot of self reflection to be respectable and gain the respect of others, I have not considered that the respect I had for others was something that I needed to work on as well.  Shouldn't the people I encounter on a day to day basis be responsible for acquiring their own respect?  Perhaps, for the most part.

But then I realized I was thinking about this too microscopically.

A lot of people do not respect people who are different than them.  Period.  End of story.  There is absolutely NO opportunity for a member of that group to have a chance gaining the respect of some people.  Perhaps it is a high school student who has a mohawk and multiple facial piercings.  Perhaps it is a pregnant teen.  Perhaps, it is a person of color.  Perhaps,  it is an obese person.  A Jewish person.  A mother of a child throwing a tantrum in a grocery store.

It really can be anyone.  I thought to myself, "the man at Sam's club who told me I should be ashamed of myself probably didn't think I was respectable."  You see, my son was having a tantrum, meltdown, or whatever you would like to call it. He was about four years old and having a breakdown at Sam's Club because children with Asperger's Syndrome have sensory issues.  The store was too loud, too cold, too bright.  At that time, my son had not been officially diagnosed yet.  But, to that man at Sam's Club, I was probably not respectable because I had raised "a brat".  He had said to me, "what he needs is a good old-fashioned spanking."  Clearly my parenting skills, in his mind, were not respectable...at least that day.  But, he did not know.

Does a person's lack of knowledge excuse them from the pain, suffering and sometimes abuse they cause others?  I don't think so.  I think if we are going to speak out, best to speak out informed, or be prepared to be informed.

So, when it comes to cultivating a respect for others...perhaps the Dalai Lama would like us to become informed.  Learn to understand those who are not like us.  Perhaps things are not how they seem.

Work hard.  This does not just mean to study and investigate.  Perhaps it may mean to go beyond your comfort zone.

If you find yourself making snap judgements of pregnant teens, it may be worth doing some volunteer work with a shelter.

If you are uncomfortable around people who have children with disabilities, find out if you have a park in your area that is designed to be handicapped accessible.  In the area I live in, there is a park specifically for children with disabilities.  Sit on a bench.  Watch.  Maybe talk to a parent.

Cultivate a respect for others.  It requires hard work and attention.  Figure out who of this group of "others" you need to work on and you might just realize that you also needed to work on you, too.

While I Breathe, I Hope

“Dum spiro, spero (Latin), "While I breath, I hope"” 

~ Latin Proverb

I once had a conversation with a friend during which i asked, "I wonder if birds who fly for long distances get tired?" My friend replied, "Nope, the ruach carries them like a kite and they rest up there, in the air." I told him that in my Facebook notes, there is one....Lessons from Geese that my college professor gave it to us ..I told him I would send it to him that it was good stuff. I said to my friend, "well if adversity makes me soar, I need to figure out how to rest up there, in the air cause I am tired." He replied, "the Ruwach, Rose. In Hebrew the Word Ruach means = Wind, Breath Spirit. GOD's Ruach HaKodesh will give you rest..."

We all have ruach, we all have breath. I have to believe that as long as we have it, there is hope.

Lessons from Geese

It is amazing what we can learn when we watch and pay attention.......and reflect.

1. As each goose flaps its wings, it creates and uplift for others behind it. There is 71 percent more flying range in V-formation than in flying alone.
Lesson: People who share a common direction and sense of purpose can get there more quickly.

2. Whenever a goose flies out of formation, it feels drag and tries to get back into position.
Lesson: It's harder to do something alone than together.

3. When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation and another goose flies at the head.
Lesson: Shared leadership and interdependence give us each a chance to lead as well as an opportunity to rest.

4. The geese flying in the rear of the formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
Lesson: Encouragement is motivating. We need to make sure our "honking" is encouraging--and not discouraging.

5. When a goose gets sick or wounded and falls, two geese fall out and stay with it until it revives or dies. Then they catch up or join another flock.
Lesson: We may all need help from time to time. We should stand by our colleagues in difficult times.

~Angeles Arrien