In My Garden...A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime and More

I grew up in the country on six acres of land.  A long gravel lane led back to the house up against which many flower beds and rock gardens provided vibrant color to the expansive field of green grass that was dotted with dandelions poking their yellow heads up here and there. When I was a young girl, I spent many long summer days weeding gardens, dead-heading  annuals and transplanting perennials.  At the end of each summer, mother and I dug up bulbs and shook the dirt off of them so that they would be safe as some types of flower bulbs would not survive in the cold winter ground.  I did not appreciate the experience of tending the gardens when I was a child, but I did enjoy the flowers.  I enjoyed the variety, the scent, the color, and the season long blooms.

I remember, one of my favorite childhood songs:

Friends are like flowers, Beautiful flowers

Friends are like Flowers in the garden of life.

Are you a Daisy? Are you a Rose? Are you a Dandelion?

You can be what you are and I'll be what I am

We can be friends in the garden of life.

Sister Jeannine used to play her guitar and lead all of us children in singing it.   I thought it was about me because my name was Rosie and I had a special "role" in the song because I was the Rose. I did not realize then that the song was about differences and accepting each other for who we are-- I did not realize then that what makes a garden beautiful is flowers (friends) of all varieties.

What I did not realize then is that to have a perfect garden of flowers and a perfect garden of friends we need flowers and friends for all seasons. Like the flowers that I helped my mother tend in the gardens and rock beds in the country, those friends would be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

I have been very fortunate throughout my life.  I have had some wonderful friends.  But, in my life, all of my dearest friends have moved away.   I had never really thought much of it until my adulthood.  Growing up in a military town, people come and go frequently and I presumed that relationships did not stand the test of time...at least not long term. But, this trend continued into my adulthood and that is when I really began to suffer the loss with each and every... last... one... of... them. As each friend moved away and slowly, the friendship faded, I knew that their life in their new town was thriving and I was left behind with my hands and my heart empty... again.

Months after a good friend disappeared from my life, I made a new friend. After talking to this friend a couple of times, he showed me the poem called A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime.  I was shown this poem to help me...  I guess it was to help me make peace, to help me understand how people hold places in our lives. Perhaps it was to show that while not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever, they all hold a beautiful and important role.  After I read this poem, I wept silently.  Even though I knew it was meant to give me some kind of peace, my focus was on my losses.  I don't like loss.  I don't like losing people I love.  I had lost so many people who were important to me that I did not have any "lifetimes".  I had often marveled at people who had friends they had known since childhood.  I thought to myself how fortunate they must be to have such a strong history with someone.  I wished terribly that I was important enough to be worthy of being a "lifetime" for a friend.

What I have come to realize in the year since I first read the poem, is that people do not just come and go making them reasons and seasons.  They actually can come again!

I have thought about this and realized that our garden of friends...and the one that we plant has this!  In our gardens we plant annuals which live only one season.  They bring us beauty, fragrance, and joy.  Our friendships that may be annuals bring us the same but in a different way.  They may teach us something and help us do things we have never done. For both the annuals of flowers and friends when their time is done, they are gone..the are only here for one season.

But flowers can also be perennials.  They live for years but there are periods of dormancy.These are the friends that come and go and come back again!  I know this is true because I have lived it.  Having not heard from a friend for over a year, I had one seek me out.  I learned from that event.  I learned some important lessons:

• People come back.
• Never, ever give up hope.
• Things are not always as they seem to be.
• If you want something bad enough, forever is not too long to wait.

I want a garden.  I want a beautiful garden.  And while it is sad to see our flowers fade at the end of a season, so too is it sad to see friendships fade at the end of a season.  Yet, we must celebrate the fragrance and  that each flower and each friend has brought us for that season.

Sometimes, our heart may grieve terribly for the loss of a friend and we may be inclined to thing that friend may have been an "annual" and just there for a season.  I won't allow myself to make that assumption anymore.  I know that people come and go and can come back again if we allow doors to remain open or at least leave them unlocked.

I know that even though there are times I have often thought that I would do myself less pain if I would just "give up" and "let go" but that is not completely accurate.  The pain of wanting a friend to be close again resides in the place I dwell.  If i dwell in the past memories, I hurt.  If I dwell in what I want and do not have, I hurt.  If I simply live in the moment and "be", it is what it is.  I need to "tend the garden of friends I have now and honor them."  I can still have hope without dwelling elsewhere.

If I want a particular rare flower in my garden, I would keep trying.  If I want a particular friend in my garden, so to I will try.  If a flower is worth it, so to is a person.  Forever is not too long to wait.

I want a beautiful garden.  We should be careful gardeners and tend our flowers.  We need to remember that a garden has all kinds of flowers...annuals and perennials...and each has a very important role.  Every garden should have a few statues...they should be there for a lifetime....standing steadfast and solid.

For my losses, I say this... "Dum spiro, spero ~ While I breathe, I hope."

And for those who are here now, I will try hard to tend my garden and dell in the present.  You deserve my time and attention for without proper nourishment, flowers fade.

Classroom Managment Gone Awry...The Traffic Light Systym

As a mother, of a challenging child, I had to try just about every trick in the book.  By the time my oldest son was three, I had done it all.  One of the things that I had the pleasure of doing was to go to  John Rosemond presentation and during that, I learned of his "ticket system" approach to behavior management.  The theory behind it was that a child is given a set of tickets to start the day off with (parents determine the number of tickets but there must be at least 2).  As each child commits an unwanted behavior, he loses a ticket.  When the tickets are gone, the child spends the rest of the day in his bedroom.  After a few days in his bedroom, the child gets a handle on his behavior and is now a well-behaved child.

I adapted John Rosemond's system and tried it for a time but having some internal struggles over whether or not it was appropriate to use with a child who I was not certain had an autism spectrum disorder or not, I discontinued it and followed my gut.  I was not sure my child understood his behavior or what was being expected of him, and therefore I did not believe that  he even made sense of what was happening to him.

It seems that teachers have adopted this system to use in the classroom.  Tickets have been color coded and limited to three.  They are green, yellow and red.  Many teachers are very positive in their display... "We're a Great Class!"  However, the typical pocket chart ticket system is used in such a way that when the child commits an offense, the child moves to the chart and removes his or her ticket after the reprimand.  The child moving the ticket is supposed to help him or her connect the negative consequence with the negative behavior.  This is a negative reinforcement.  Most children will either be upset or become jaded by the experience and not take it seriously.
 

There is also a traffic light version that can be placed in the classroom where clothes pins with each student's name are used to indicate where each child resides on the behavior continuum.  They have become so popular that manufacturers have begun to sell them out of convenience (the one below can be used with Popsicle sticks).

Here is a teacher made version...

This is seemingly a great behavior management system, right?  Well, maybe not.  When we start to see that it does not work, this is what happens...

What happens when a child gets to red and it is only 11 a.m.? Here is the answer... We add blue (or sometimes black) because red was not bad enough.  Now, we have really bad.

What happens when the visual reminder is not enough?  We can make the simple more complicated... Our "Disciplined Delight All Stars" have become such "All Stars" that they go by number and not their name.  Hmmm?  (Think about why that might be necessary.) The labels fit the child and not the behavior as evidenced by "breaks rules".    We have a combination of traffic light as a negative reinforcement and six categories of things as rewards/positive reinforcement on Popsicle sticks to put in the envelops.  Lots of time is now being spent on behavior management which is detracting from teaching.

 And what about those kids who are always good?  Shouldn't they get some sort of extra recognition?  Here is the answer to that...

Now, with this last one, notice that parent's only get contacted when their child has done something bad and not when their child has done something good.  Can teachers not be bothered to notify parents with outstanding news?  Do we want to be seen as only the bearers of bad news?  We need to ponder this.

My main issue with the traffic light system stems from being a parent.  My son was always on red.  I was the parent whose child was on red.  I had a daily dose of "this is what your child did wrong today."  I had not considered what that did to him as a student in the classroom until I began substitute teaching.  But this is what it did...

Children who are on red are the targeted children.  They are "reported on".  When a sub enters the room, they are the one who the other children tell the sub to watch our for because "he is always on red."  When children said that to me, the child they were speaking of had the look of a child who was defeated before he ever had a chance.  The public display of this behavior management system classified children into those who can and those who can't and children who were too young to know better were throwing others under the bus.  My heart ached for the children who did not have a chance because their entire class (and likely the teacher, too) already knew they were doomed to fail) and it was on display for everyone to see every day.  Perhaps, this was why the "All Stars" were given a number.  The teacher from that room knew it happened, too and was making some attempt to salvage a behavior management system she may have been required to use.

What should we be doing instead...

It is simple...POSITIVE SPECIFIC PRAISE!





Goals
♦ To consistently reinforce children for good behaviors.
♦ To enhance the development and maintenance of a healthy self‐esteem.
♦ To create an environment so enriching that any separation from it would be a significant loss.
♦ To avoid the use of ineffective “positive attention.”
♦ If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Effective Tools of Positive Attention

♦ Verbal Praise
Should follow the desired behavior as quickly as possible
Get child’s attention
Short, specific praise
Catch the child being good
Praise effort more than product
♦ Physical Praise
1‐2 second contacts (Love Pats)
Less distracting than verbal praise
Less energy consuming on part of parent
Able to be given more frequently
Can be used for any acceptable behavior
♦ Reinforce “Pieces of the Pie”
Give positive attention to any portion of expected behavior in beginning
♦ High Frequency
50+ times/day to maintain positive environment
75+ times/day when problem behaviors are present

Ineffective Tools of Positive Attention (Praise Spoiling)
♦ Attaching the praise to future expectation.
“What a good grade you got on your spelling test. Do you think you can do this well next week too?”
♦ Attaching the praise to previous disappointments.
“Your bed looks so nice today. Why couldn’t you have made it this nicely yesterday?”
“What a good job you did cleaning up your room. Now aren’t you ashamed that you put up such a fuss about doing it?”
♦ Too lengthy verbal praise.
“You were so good at the party today. I am so happy when you are a good girl. I like it when you are so good. I’m sure you have more fun at parties when you are good. Your mommy will be so happy too when she hears what a good girl you were today.”
♦ Positive words mixed with negative body language.
“Well, you sure look nice today.” (Said while crossing your arms and rolling your eyes up toward the ceiling.)
♦ Praise that diminishes the value of the performance.
“What a good job you did on the activity. See, that wasn’t such a big deal, was it?”
♦ Non‐specific or lazy praise.
“Nice job!” “Good boy.”

Water the flowers, not the weeds.