Moving On On Mother's Day

Becoming a mother changes you.  I think it is then, that as a woman, you realize what your purpose is and that it is up to each of us to accept that responsibility or not to the best of our ability.  I have not always been the best mother I could be because of my weaknesses, limitations, shortcomings regarding things that were happening for me personally, but in each moment, I hope I was doing the best I could do at that moment.

A mother wants the best for her children.  A mother carries them with the anticipation that they will have all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.  A mother carries those babies, protecting them within her womb wondering what they will look like and purposefully picking out names.  A mother prepares a room for child and sings and talks her child before he even arrives.  Some babies arrive into the world with difficulties and some arrive perfect.   For some it is not until a little while later that a child’s difficulties are uncovered.

I wanted to be the best mother.  It is all I ever wanted to be.  When I was a little girl, I played with baby dolls…I still have my baby dolls today.  I had always imagined myself as a mom who stayed home and cared for her children like my mom did…so I chose a college degree that would allow me to hopefully be able to do that.  To that end, I was able to work from home and take care of my children up until the time they went to school.

What I did not expect is that one of my sons would have an autism spectrum disorder.  Because of that, my job duties as “mother” grew to include researcher, speech therapist and occupational therapist.  I had to read a lot if I wanted the best for my son.  I needed to know what I could do to help him, how to do it and where to get help.  When he needed therapy, I had to receive the training to give him the things he needed at home. We do what we have to…

I gave everything I had to make his life better and that included giving all of my time to volunteering and working on making friends for him and me.  I did my best but my best was not good enough.

Two errors in judgment I can now see two years after life as I knew it… the life that I had created when I had become a mother changed.   One thing is that no matter what I did, what happened was inevitable -- people would make fun of my son and see him as a liability to their children’s “social standing”.  I would have been better served to prepare myself for that than to work so hard trying to prevent it.  I need to accept the world for what it is.  Reality.  It is a nice fantasy to think that I could find enough people to surround myself with to not hurt me or my son and the rest of my family but that was not reality.  Reality is cold, hard truth that punches you in the gut and you can’t get your breath back even when it has been two years.

The second thing is that I am not in control.  I can try all I want to control everything I want to control but the only person I can control is me (if I am lucky to manage that on a good day).  I can’t control what other people say, do, think, or feel.   No matter how many hoops I jump through, no matter how much I do, give or say, the bottom line is that they will say think and feel what they want when they want to.  They control them and I control me.  And I most certainly cannot control what my son says or does with respect to his Asperger Syndrome.  At best, I can hope to teach him.

I speak here of my oldest son, but I have another and I do not in any way want to make him seem less important.  He is an amazing boy with a kind heart.  I try to explain things to him as best I can.  It is almost embarrassing to admit that he was 9 when I told him that his brother had Asperger Syndrome.  It had to get to the point when I didn’t know how to make excuses anymore.  He is tender yet strong.  He has to be…he has no choice.

The journey of my motherhood is not what I expected when it began.  It took a drastic turn when my oldest son was three.  It took years for me to realize that “God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”  I thought He’d made a terrible mistake.  I figured it out though and I got qualified and I worked hard thinking I could change things.

Then, two years ago, when Reality hit, life took another drastic turn for me and the “me” that "was" stopped living.  The last two years I was lost.  Now, I want to find a way to start living again in a different way…I just have to figure out how to be a stronger person in ways that I was not strong before.  I need to find a way to live in the “Real World” not the “World As I Would Have it To Be”.  I couldn’t make it what I wanted so I left it… Now I have to figure out how to live in it the way it is.  I have to do it to be a better mother and I do want to be the best mother I can be.