Little Things...Big Message: Opening Eyes and Minds to SEE Them

Every day, we walk through life with our eyes open.   Passing perhaps hundreds and sometimes even thousands of people a day, we have an opportunity to see things and make meaning from them.  But for many of us, in our fast paced lives, we just look…we do not see.  Looking and seeing are so very different.  When you see something in the way I am talking about, you attach some level of meaning to it.  You can look at people and see the shell.  If you see people, you see more to them than just the outside.  You notice the details of their behavior, their personality, and perhaps you make a connection to them—even if it is someone you may ever know personally.

Last year, I went to the Indianapolis Zoo with my sons.  While waiting for the dolphin show to start, I was people watching as I often do.  A father and daughter caught my eye.  The daughter was approximately 1 ½ to 2 years old.  She leaned in and kissed her father and he kissed her back.  I had a difficult time not watching them further.

What I found so entrancing about them was that the daughter had Down Syndrome and the father was so proud of her.  The image of them has stuck with me for so long and I have told so many people about it…what I saw when I looked at them was a lesson to everyone there but maybe I am the only one who saw it.

That father was amazing.  Having grown up a child of an alcoholic who never held or kissed his little girl—one who tried to do everything perfect, one who did not have the disability of Down Syndrome—I never got what that little girl got—hugged and kissed by my father, a father’s love.  They say that God gives us only what we can handle…and that father showed that crowd how to care for his daughter with love and grace.  I wonder how many fathers there do not show their children the affection they need.  When so many parents have the gift of children put before them, blessed with children who have no disabilities, those children are cast aside entirely too often.  This father, a father of a child with Down Syndrome displayed a remarkable connection to his daughter--one I admire and perhaps even envy.

What I saw when I watched the daughter was a gift.  Her life, their life, will not be easy.  But, I see a girl who has made a difference.  That day, and for many days (now at least a year) after, I still think of her and I wish that she and her father and mother knew that she has made a difference-at least to one person, even if it is just me.  This is how…

There are many times that I am tired and exhausted.  Having a child with a disability myself I know that it is very trying to always be on your best game.  I have a son who likes to give me hugs all the time…so much so that I often want to avoid them just to have some space.  As I watched that father and daughter, I reflected about my father and also that my son has a disability.  I admired so much how that father treated his daughter.  I realized then, that even though I may be tired and want space, I did not want my kids to feel like I did not want to have them near me.  That is never the case.  I knew that somehow I needed to figure out a way of meeting my kid’s needs and mine as well.  Virginia Satir, a family therapist, tells us that “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

That girl and her father, what I saw…it was just not a hug and a kiss.  That one little hug and kiss...it was a BIG lesson.  It only takes a hug, a heartfelt and warm embrace, to change the lives of others.  And in this case, her hug…the one she gave to her father…it changed my life, too.

Wishing Flowers

Wishing Flowers…Lately I have been thinking a lot about making wishes upon flowers.  When I was a young girl, I would pick dandelions that had gone into seed, make a wish and blow the seeds into the wind.  And wait and wait for my wishes to me true.  Or, maybe, I would find a patch of clover, lie in the grass and search for a lucky 4-leaf clover.  I also remember pulling the petals off of daisies one at a time.

Wishing flowers have been on my mind for about a month…ever since I saw the movie Gnomeo and Juliette.  In that movie, Juliette replies to a character who called dandelions weeds.  She says, "Those dandelions aren't weeds, they're wishes."  I have not been able to get dandelions out of my mind ever since.  Actually, I do think of dandelions often.  A few years ago, a Boy Scout leader said that God’s favorite flower was the dandelion because he made so many of them and put them in so many places.  Of course, he may have been joking (or maybe not).  But, since that movie, I think about how we work so hard to get rid of the dandelions out of our yards.  We think of them as unsightly to our beautiful lush green lawns.  And actually, it is all a matter of perspective.

If dandelions are wishes, we are killing our wishes.  If God put dandelions here to give us wishing flowers…to give us hope, then we are killing them with our weed killers.  In our desire to have the most lush and beautiful lawn in the neighborhood (as was done in the movie Gnomeo and Juliette), are becoming so arrogant that we are stripping of the joys we had as children from our own children?  Why do we want to give up such a wonderful thing as wishing flowers?  I have been thinking that if Dandelions are God’s favorite flowers, perhaps, he meant for us to make wishes on them, or to maybe go to him with our worries.  Maybe, they are prayer flowers.  Not that I think that when we pray (talk to God) we should go to him with a list of wishes, but perhaps it is a nice thought if God did put dandelions here as a reminder to talk to him, to release our burdens by blowing them away with our breath.  I still have wishes and I ache to blow them into the winds on a dandelion seeds.

I have a friend, a very good friend, who had taught me many things.  I spent many hours with this friend and during that time, this friend taught me about ruach.  In the Tanakh (The Jewish Bible), the word ruach generally means wind, breath, mind, spirit. In a living creature (nephesh chayah), the ruach is the breath, whether of animals (Gen 7:15; Psa 104:25, 29) or mankind (Isa 42:5; Ezek 37:5). God is the creator of ruach: "The ruach of God (from God) is in my nostrils" (Job 27:3). In God's hand is the ruach of all mankind (Job 12:10; Isa 42:5). In mankind, ruach further denotes the principle of life that possesses reason, will, and conscience.

So, when I think of blowing on dandelions with my breath, it is my ruach.  And the seeds are blown into the wind…God’s ruach.  It is a mixing of breath and wind (both ruach) through some form of prayer.  To me that is a beautiful thought…one worthy of keeping dandelions in my yard.

During the past few weeks, I spent time student teaching in a pre-school special needs setting.  I was immensely blessed to be with children who picked me dandelions on the playground and handed them to me with their small hands.  Every time, tears came to my eyes as I thought of their innocence and the special meaning of the dandelion to me.  I think that dandelions are children’s favorite flowers, too.  They are the perhaps one of the only flowers that adults let them pick without scolding them, so they happily pick a whole bouquet when given the opportunity and present it to someone with love.  Jesus let the children come to him.

A pre-school student of mine asked me this, “Do you think wishes really do come true?”  I told him, “Yes, I do.  I think that sometimes it just takes a really, really long time for them to come true--much longer than we want it to take.”

My student would not understand this, but I also think that sometimes when we make a wish, or pray for something, that wish is often granted or that prayer is often answered, not in the way we thought we wanted when we wished or prayed for it, but in the way that God knows is best for us.  There are often many solutions to a problem…and what we have in mind may not be what we get,  but in the end, what we get may be the answer to our prayers, a wish granted.  So, yes, I do think wishes do come true…it just takes a very long time sometimes and we have to keep our eyes open to recognize that they did come true.

I would like to have the innocence of wishing flowers…I would like to feel the ruach (Spirit of God).  I will always love a dandelion given to be by a small fisted child and I do believe wishes come true…eventually.

Moving On On Mother's Day

Becoming a mother changes you.  I think it is then, that as a woman, you realize what your purpose is and that it is up to each of us to accept that responsibility or not to the best of our ability.  I have not always been the best mother I could be because of my weaknesses, limitations, shortcomings regarding things that were happening for me personally, but in each moment, I hope I was doing the best I could do at that moment.

A mother wants the best for her children.  A mother carries them with the anticipation that they will have all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.  A mother carries those babies, protecting them within her womb wondering what they will look like and purposefully picking out names.  A mother prepares a room for child and sings and talks her child before he even arrives.  Some babies arrive into the world with difficulties and some arrive perfect.   For some it is not until a little while later that a child’s difficulties are uncovered.

I wanted to be the best mother.  It is all I ever wanted to be.  When I was a little girl, I played with baby dolls…I still have my baby dolls today.  I had always imagined myself as a mom who stayed home and cared for her children like my mom did…so I chose a college degree that would allow me to hopefully be able to do that.  To that end, I was able to work from home and take care of my children up until the time they went to school.

What I did not expect is that one of my sons would have an autism spectrum disorder.  Because of that, my job duties as “mother” grew to include researcher, speech therapist and occupational therapist.  I had to read a lot if I wanted the best for my son.  I needed to know what I could do to help him, how to do it and where to get help.  When he needed therapy, I had to receive the training to give him the things he needed at home. We do what we have to…

I gave everything I had to make his life better and that included giving all of my time to volunteering and working on making friends for him and me.  I did my best but my best was not good enough.

Two errors in judgment I can now see two years after life as I knew it… the life that I had created when I had become a mother changed.   One thing is that no matter what I did, what happened was inevitable -- people would make fun of my son and see him as a liability to their children’s “social standing”.  I would have been better served to prepare myself for that than to work so hard trying to prevent it.  I need to accept the world for what it is.  Reality.  It is a nice fantasy to think that I could find enough people to surround myself with to not hurt me or my son and the rest of my family but that was not reality.  Reality is cold, hard truth that punches you in the gut and you can’t get your breath back even when it has been two years.

The second thing is that I am not in control.  I can try all I want to control everything I want to control but the only person I can control is me (if I am lucky to manage that on a good day).  I can’t control what other people say, do, think, or feel.   No matter how many hoops I jump through, no matter how much I do, give or say, the bottom line is that they will say think and feel what they want when they want to.  They control them and I control me.  And I most certainly cannot control what my son says or does with respect to his Asperger Syndrome.  At best, I can hope to teach him.

I speak here of my oldest son, but I have another and I do not in any way want to make him seem less important.  He is an amazing boy with a kind heart.  I try to explain things to him as best I can.  It is almost embarrassing to admit that he was 9 when I told him that his brother had Asperger Syndrome.  It had to get to the point when I didn’t know how to make excuses anymore.  He is tender yet strong.  He has to be…he has no choice.

The journey of my motherhood is not what I expected when it began.  It took a drastic turn when my oldest son was three.  It took years for me to realize that “God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”  I thought He’d made a terrible mistake.  I figured it out though and I got qualified and I worked hard thinking I could change things.

Then, two years ago, when Reality hit, life took another drastic turn for me and the “me” that "was" stopped living.  The last two years I was lost.  Now, I want to find a way to start living again in a different way…I just have to figure out how to be a stronger person in ways that I was not strong before.  I need to find a way to live in the “Real World” not the “World As I Would Have it To Be”.  I couldn’t make it what I wanted so I left it… Now I have to figure out how to live in it the way it is.  I have to do it to be a better mother and I do want to be the best mother I can be.