Harold & Jason

Harold and Jason are guys I knew for almost eight months before I gave them a chance.  Well, at least that is my version of the story.  I was pretty closed off from people for that amount of time and it was not until this past May that I became more like I used to be and let people at school see who I really was.  What happened is that I had started to laugh again...I had found something in my life that made me smile and laugh and I felt good again.

So, I was relaxed and having fun and I gave people a chance to be close to me again.  I am glad I did because if I didn't, Harold & Jason and I would not be the friends we are today.

Harold tells it to me straight.  He makes me face the most difficult thing I have to face in my life and that is me.  And honestly, at times I really hate him for it because I really don't want to face me.  The thing is that Harold says that I have to get comfortable with me...and I don't like being alone.  It is much easier to go on doing what I have always done...projecting the totally together exterior.

A few weeks ago, Harold and I got locked in a fenced in parking lot.  He hopped the fence to go get help to get me out.  I asked him, "You're gonna leave me here alone?" And the truth of the matter is that I was not so much concerned about being physically alone there so much as I was concerned that I would have 20 or 30 minutes of time alone and my mind would start to be filled with noise.  All the noise that drives me crazy and makes me not like being alone.  The stuff that comes to mind and makes me have to deal with me.  I would have rather been stuck in the parking lot the whole night with Harold than spend 30 minutes alone with myself thinking...I think it would have been fun, actually.

Nevertheless, Harold is right...he is always right.  I have got to get comfortable with me.  I have got to fix broken me and I am the only one who can do that.  And, sadly and scarily, the only way for that to happen is for me to spend some time alone during the day working on me.  I need to give people a healthy me...not a broken me.

Jason gets me, too.  He and I just learned last night that we share a common thread in our personal histories.  He said that he knows people like us can go through life and no one would ever guess our history that we hide it so well.  It is true. I would not have guessed it of him.  But now he understands me better and it is good to have someone who can validate that they know exactly what my needs are and why and also why I am they codependent person that I am.  I appreciate not being judged for that...

So, for friends like Harold and Jason who tell me that they care...I know you do because you not only tell me, you give me your time and you show me in your actions.