Lonliness

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Alone is being in a place by yourself.  But loneliness is a whole other story.  You can be in a crowded room with your closest family and friends and be so lonely it hurts to breathe.  That is lonely.  Loneliness is…

… standing in the preschool corridor talking to all the moms and when class dismisses realizing that all of them are going to a play date while your child was not invited because he is “different”.  We wanted friends, too.

… being told that no one in class really likes your son.  Being, told you son is dragging down someone else’s.

… living on a street where the children stop riding their bikes just to tell you that they are not going to play with your autistic son while you are sitting and playing with your children under a tree in the front yard.  Hurting so badly, you rearrange your living room furniture so you can’t see out your front window and when you still can see out walking by, you purchase blinds and keep them always closed for 10 years.

… knowing that your younger son doesn’t have playmates on your street because of what happened with your older son.

… sitting in a college class with what you thought was a group of colleagues and realizing that at least half of them are sitting there just biding their time.  It is disappointing to yearn for stimulating conversation about what you are interested and passionate about and to know that people would rather you not talk in class so it will get over faster and they can go home.

… being told that you make other college classmates look bad because of the quality of work you produce.  Even though I know it is not true (I choose to perform at my ability level while some choose to do what they need to do to get by—their choice), it still put me on the outside because majority rules.  I decided I did not want to be in that majority so then I was not just lonely but also alone.

… having your father quit drinking when you are an adult and expecting the father daughter relationship you always wanted but instead having the same father you always has just without the alcohol.

… being blamed not once, but twice, for your “recovered alcoholic” father’s drinking binges.

… watching your father be the kind of grandfather to your children that you wish he was a father to you.

… having your father die and the only thing you have to grieve is the loss of hope that one day you would have had the relationship you wanted.

… having a mind that thinks deeply and in layers.  It is lonely not having anyone to talk to who appreciates depth of thought or who can challenge me to think even more deeply.  I used to have a friend like that but life got busy and now I don’t have that person anymore…that is achingly lonely.

Yousuf Karsh says, “I've also seen that great men are often lonely. This is understandable, because they have built such high standards for themselves that they often feel alone. But that same loneliness is part of their ability to create.”  Maybe that is part of my problem—I do have very high standards.  Regardless, Dag Hammarskjold said, “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.”  I hope that I can do that.  I believe that I am on the right track now and that I can take all of the things that have caused me pain and use them for something good in the future.