Knowing When to Quit

In life we all have battles to fight.  Sometimes we win. Sometimes we lose.  And in some cases, in some  battles we have to know when to just simply give up and wave the white flag.  And that is where I have a problem.  I just don’t seem to be able to recognize that point or willing to stop before the cost to self has outweighed the value of the war/battle.

I have been aware of this problem of mine for some months now…and yet I still cannot seem to find the line of when to quit.  I don’t want to quit.  And I think this is why…

I was born into and currently live a day to day life where I have no choice but to fight and never give up a battle that has no end and there is no winner.  I am used to it.  Quitting is not and has not EVER been an option.

My father was an alcoholic.  Every day, especially when I was in my teen years and he was retired, life was a battle.  And every day, I got up and faced it with courage.  I went into various smoke-filled bars full of drunken men and women looking for my father late at night so that my mother who waited in the car could give him a ride home to avoid a DUI or car accident… that took courage for a little girl to do.  I dumped his booze from time to time…that took courage for a teenage girl to do.  I lied in bed after having been awaken while the state highway patrol were outside my bedroom escorting my father to his bed letting him off the hook from getting a DUI…I wish I had the courage to tell then to take him off to jail because eventually things just got worse.

He is dead now.

But I fight every day still.

I fight for my son.  Having a child with Asperger Syndrome has not been easy.  I fought to try to “fix” him…but that did not work.  Then I fought to make a safe zone for him and well…that did not work.  I fight to try to understand him better.  I fight to help others to understand him better.  I fight others to help understand how I am trying to make his life better in the long run and not just make him happy in the moment.  I fight and I fight and I fight…and I have NO CHOICE but to keep fighting.

And quite honestly, I cry a lot and I look at that as a sign of weakness.  But when I really think about it and take a deeper look, I think that it really is NOT weakness but just that I am tired.  I am a very strong person to have to do the things I do and to keep getting up every day and doing them.  Especially if you really, really know me then you do know my strength.

So, aside from that…in other things, I guess I should be quitting some battles…Wave the white flag and surrender.  Give up the cause.  Apparently I have to learn HOW to recognize when to do that and then take the first step in doing it.  Unfortunately, that might be the easy part.  Some battles mean many things and quitting isn’t always just quitting.