Lonliness

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Alone is being in a place by yourself.  But loneliness is a whole other story.  You can be in a crowded room with your closest family and friends and be so lonely it hurts to breathe.  That is lonely.  Loneliness is…

… standing in the preschool corridor talking to all the moms and when class dismisses realizing that all of them are going to a play date while your child was not invited because he is “different”.  We wanted friends, too.

… being told that no one in class really likes your son.  Being, told you son is dragging down someone else’s.

… living on a street where the children stop riding their bikes just to tell you that they are not going to play with your autistic son while you are sitting and playing with your children under a tree in the front yard.  Hurting so badly, you rearrange your living room furniture so you can’t see out your front window and when you still can see out walking by, you purchase blinds and keep them always closed for 10 years.

… knowing that your younger son doesn’t have playmates on your street because of what happened with your older son.

… sitting in a college class with what you thought was a group of colleagues and realizing that at least half of them are sitting there just biding their time.  It is disappointing to yearn for stimulating conversation about what you are interested and passionate about and to know that people would rather you not talk in class so it will get over faster and they can go home.

… being told that you make other college classmates look bad because of the quality of work you produce.  Even though I know it is not true (I choose to perform at my ability level while some choose to do what they need to do to get by—their choice), it still put me on the outside because majority rules.  I decided I did not want to be in that majority so then I was not just lonely but also alone.

… having your father quit drinking when you are an adult and expecting the father daughter relationship you always wanted but instead having the same father you always has just without the alcohol.

… being blamed not once, but twice, for your “recovered alcoholic” father’s drinking binges.

… watching your father be the kind of grandfather to your children that you wish he was a father to you.

… having your father die and the only thing you have to grieve is the loss of hope that one day you would have had the relationship you wanted.

… having a mind that thinks deeply and in layers.  It is lonely not having anyone to talk to who appreciates depth of thought or who can challenge me to think even more deeply.  I used to have a friend like that but life got busy and now I don’t have that person anymore…that is achingly lonely.

Yousuf Karsh says, “I've also seen that great men are often lonely. This is understandable, because they have built such high standards for themselves that they often feel alone. But that same loneliness is part of their ability to create.”  Maybe that is part of my problem—I do have very high standards.  Regardless, Dag Hammarskjold said, “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.”  I hope that I can do that.  I believe that I am on the right track now and that I can take all of the things that have caused me pain and use them for something good in the future.

Planting a Flower Garden With Our Words and Deeds

Our words and deeds can build or destroy.  They can grow or kill.  They can help or harm.

When children come to me and tell me that a classmate has said something unkind to them, I think to myself, “You have a whole life ahead of you where people will say unkind things to you or about the people you love, get used to it.”  And, quite honestly, that is the sad and ugly truth for most people.

But I have always been one to live with my silly “rose colored glasses” where I think I can change the world even if it is with just making a difference to one person in one way.   And so, I have often told the children I’ve taught that with our words and deeds, we can grow flowers or plant weeds.  I often start by asking them if they like flowers.  Most, if not all of the children say “yes”.  Then I ask them if they know what weeds are and in answering, we discuss why weeds are not good for a garden of flowers.  I tell the children that our good words and the good things we do are like flowers and that every time we tell something nice, we are planning a flower.  When we say something or do something unkind, we are planting a weed.  I ask them what would happen if we had too many weeds in our garden….our flowers would die of course.  The bad would overtake the good.

To help create a visual reminder for this, I create a bulletin board display with the children’s pictures as the centers of the flowers and important facts about them on the flower petals.  As we do and say good things, we add additional smaller flowers to our garden and our garden grows.  When students are caught saying or doing unkind things, I simply ask them if they were planting a weed or a flower.  They are able to identify which, tell me what they did and how they need to change the situation to plant a flower.

Having taught this before in a religious school, I was able to tie it to the parable of the Sower and the Seed from Luke 8:4-15

The Parable of the Sower
4 And when a great multitude had gathered, and they had come to Him from every city, He spoke by a parable: 5 “A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell by the wayside; and it was trampled down, and the birds of the air devoured it. 6 Some fell on rock; and as soon as it sprang up, it withered away because it lacked moisture. 7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up with it and choked it. 8 But others fell on good ground, sprang up, and yielded a crop a hundredfold.” When He had said these things He cried, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!”

The Purpose of Parables
9 Then His disciples asked Him, saying, “What does this parable mean?”

10 And He said, “To you it has been given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is given in parables, that

      ‘ Seeing they may not see,
      And hearing they may not understand.’[b]

The Parable of the Sower Explained
  11 “Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. 12 Those by the wayside are the ones who hear; then the devil comes and takes away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved. 13 But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. 14 Now the ones that fell among thorns are those who, when they have heard, go out and are choked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity. 15 But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.

I have hoped that what I have taught them is something that has “stuck” and that they often think back to me and think of planting a garden of flowers and not weeds.  I think it is sad to think that the cols slap of reality that “people will say many things about you and your loved ones your whole life” is something we should accept.  I really do think that if we all thought of planting flowers with our words and deeds instead of weeds, maybe, just maybe, the whole world would be a beautiful flower garden of people.