Happy ThanksLiving

"...I am going to explain how I am going to make the world a better place, for if we want to honor what we are  thankful for, we have to be willing to give to those who don’t have that which we are grateful for ."

For the past few weeks, I have seen many friends post the many wonderful things they are thankful for.  It is amazing how truly blessed we are when we take a good look at the things we have and stop focusing on the things we want.  Part of me sees a horrible irony in that we spend one day (or a month) being thankful and follow it up by a day (or weekend) of greed.  People push and shove their way into stores to get the bargains, often at the expense of life or limb.  People are rude on the roads, in store lines, and in parking lots.  And now, as if that were not bad enough, the stores have graciously allowed people to start their streak of greed on-line, Thanksgiving Day.

While many of my friends posted their thanks daily, I pondered every day about what I have to be thankful for.  I have many things to be thankful for…enough for every day and beyond.  But, what I am going to do is take the time state one thing I am thankful for and why.  Then I am going to explain how I am going to make the world a better place, for if we want to honor what we are  thankful for things, we have to be willing to give to those who don’t have that which we are grateful for .

I am thankful that my children go to a school with a library.

Because my children have a library at school, the have access to thousands of books every day.  The library gets more and more books every year through the support of the Scholastic Book Fair, run by the PTO.  Their library has funding through school money.  The purchasing of books is not a problem, but rather, the place to put the books that they do have.

I teach at a school that has no library.  My students are too poor to buy books.  They have no money to take the metro to the public library.  How are these children supposed to learn to read without books when the most important thing to do in becoming a reader is to read?  To get good at anything, we must practice. 

Because I want to be an agent of change, because I believe so fully in the power of books in the hands of children, I am not going to settle for thanksgiving, but rather engage in thanks”living”.  I am going to try to find a way to put books in the hands of my students.  I would like to find a way for them to have a library, even if it is small.  Every school should have a library…EVEN IF it is at risk of not getting the books back.  For children to become readers, they need books.  They need books that engage, books with characters like them, books that have the correct readability level.  I will help them to get these things starting now.  I want to make a difference. I want to live in Thanksliving.

In My Garden...A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime and More

I grew up in the country on six acres of land.  A long gravel lane led back to the house up against which many flower beds and rock gardens provided vibrant color to the expansive field of green grass that was dotted with dandelions poking their yellow heads up here and there. When I was a young girl, I spent many long summer days weeding gardens, dead-heading  annuals and transplanting perennials.  At the end of each summer, mother and I dug up bulbs and shook the dirt off of them so that they would be safe as some types of flower bulbs would not survive in the cold winter ground.  I did not appreciate the experience of tending the gardens when I was a child, but I did enjoy the flowers.  I enjoyed the variety, the scent, the color, and the season long blooms.

I remember, one of my favorite childhood songs:

Friends are like flowers, Beautiful flowers

Friends are like Flowers in the garden of life.

Are you a Daisy? Are you a Rose? Are you a Dandelion?

You can be what you are and I'll be what I am

We can be friends in the garden of life.

Sister Jeannine used to play her guitar and lead all of us children in singing it.   I thought it was about me because my name was Rosie and I had a special "role" in the song because I was the Rose. I did not realize then that the song was about differences and accepting each other for who we are-- I did not realize then that what makes a garden beautiful is flowers (friends) of all varieties.

What I did not realize then is that to have a perfect garden of flowers and a perfect garden of friends we need flowers and friends for all seasons. Like the flowers that I helped my mother tend in the gardens and rock beds in the country, those friends would be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

I have been very fortunate throughout my life.  I have had some wonderful friends.  But, in my life, all of my dearest friends have moved away.   I had never really thought much of it until my adulthood.  Growing up in a military town, people come and go frequently and I presumed that relationships did not stand the test of time...at least not long term. But, this trend continued into my adulthood and that is when I really began to suffer the loss with each and every... last... one... of... them. As each friend moved away and slowly, the friendship faded, I knew that their life in their new town was thriving and I was left behind with my hands and my heart empty... again.

Months after a good friend disappeared from my life, I made a new friend. After talking to this friend a couple of times, he showed me the poem called A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime.  I was shown this poem to help me...  I guess it was to help me make peace, to help me understand how people hold places in our lives. Perhaps it was to show that while not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever, they all hold a beautiful and important role.  After I read this poem, I wept silently.  Even though I knew it was meant to give me some kind of peace, my focus was on my losses.  I don't like loss.  I don't like losing people I love.  I had lost so many people who were important to me that I did not have any "lifetimes".  I had often marveled at people who had friends they had known since childhood.  I thought to myself how fortunate they must be to have such a strong history with someone.  I wished terribly that I was important enough to be worthy of being a "lifetime" for a friend.

What I have come to realize in the year since I first read the poem, is that people do not just come and go making them reasons and seasons.  They actually can come again!

I have thought about this and realized that our garden of friends...and the one that we plant has this!  In our gardens we plant annuals which live only one season.  They bring us beauty, fragrance, and joy.  Our friendships that may be annuals bring us the same but in a different way.  They may teach us something and help us do things we have never done. For both the annuals of flowers and friends when their time is done, they are gone..the are only here for one season.

But flowers can also be perennials.  They live for years but there are periods of dormancy.These are the friends that come and go and come back again!  I know this is true because I have lived it.  Having not heard from a friend for over a year, I had one seek me out.  I learned from that event.  I learned some important lessons:

• People come back.
• Never, ever give up hope.
• Things are not always as they seem to be.
• If you want something bad enough, forever is not too long to wait.

I want a garden.  I want a beautiful garden.  And while it is sad to see our flowers fade at the end of a season, so too is it sad to see friendships fade at the end of a season.  Yet, we must celebrate the fragrance and  that each flower and each friend has brought us for that season.

Sometimes, our heart may grieve terribly for the loss of a friend and we may be inclined to thing that friend may have been an "annual" and just there for a season.  I won't allow myself to make that assumption anymore.  I know that people come and go and can come back again if we allow doors to remain open or at least leave them unlocked.

I know that even though there are times I have often thought that I would do myself less pain if I would just "give up" and "let go" but that is not completely accurate.  The pain of wanting a friend to be close again resides in the place I dwell.  If i dwell in the past memories, I hurt.  If I dwell in what I want and do not have, I hurt.  If I simply live in the moment and "be", it is what it is.  I need to "tend the garden of friends I have now and honor them."  I can still have hope without dwelling elsewhere.

If I want a particular rare flower in my garden, I would keep trying.  If I want a particular friend in my garden, so to I will try.  If a flower is worth it, so to is a person.  Forever is not too long to wait.

I want a beautiful garden.  We should be careful gardeners and tend our flowers.  We need to remember that a garden has all kinds of flowers...annuals and perennials...and each has a very important role.  Every garden should have a few statues...they should be there for a lifetime....standing steadfast and solid.

For my losses, I say this... "Dum spiro, spero ~ While I breathe, I hope."

And for those who are here now, I will try hard to tend my garden and dell in the present.  You deserve my time and attention for without proper nourishment, flowers fade.

Classroom Managment Gone Awry...The Traffic Light Systym

As a mother, of a challenging child, I had to try just about every trick in the book.  By the time my oldest son was three, I had done it all.  One of the things that I had the pleasure of doing was to go to  John Rosemond presentation and during that, I learned of his "ticket system" approach to behavior management.  The theory behind it was that a child is given a set of tickets to start the day off with (parents determine the number of tickets but there must be at least 2).  As each child commits an unwanted behavior, he loses a ticket.  When the tickets are gone, the child spends the rest of the day in his bedroom.  After a few days in his bedroom, the child gets a handle on his behavior and is now a well-behaved child.

I adapted John Rosemond's system and tried it for a time but having some internal struggles over whether or not it was appropriate to use with a child who I was not certain had an autism spectrum disorder or not, I discontinued it and followed my gut.  I was not sure my child understood his behavior or what was being expected of him, and therefore I did not believe that  he even made sense of what was happening to him.

It seems that teachers have adopted this system to use in the classroom.  Tickets have been color coded and limited to three.  They are green, yellow and red.  Many teachers are very positive in their display... "We're a Great Class!"  However, the typical pocket chart ticket system is used in such a way that when the child commits an offense, the child moves to the chart and removes his or her ticket after the reprimand.  The child moving the ticket is supposed to help him or her connect the negative consequence with the negative behavior.  This is a negative reinforcement.  Most children will either be upset or become jaded by the experience and not take it seriously.
 

There is also a traffic light version that can be placed in the classroom where clothes pins with each student's name are used to indicate where each child resides on the behavior continuum.  They have become so popular that manufacturers have begun to sell them out of convenience (the one below can be used with Popsicle sticks).

Here is a teacher made version...

This is seemingly a great behavior management system, right?  Well, maybe not.  When we start to see that it does not work, this is what happens...

What happens when a child gets to red and it is only 11 a.m.? Here is the answer... We add blue (or sometimes black) because red was not bad enough.  Now, we have really bad.

What happens when the visual reminder is not enough?  We can make the simple more complicated... Our "Disciplined Delight All Stars" have become such "All Stars" that they go by number and not their name.  Hmmm?  (Think about why that might be necessary.) The labels fit the child and not the behavior as evidenced by "breaks rules".    We have a combination of traffic light as a negative reinforcement and six categories of things as rewards/positive reinforcement on Popsicle sticks to put in the envelops.  Lots of time is now being spent on behavior management which is detracting from teaching.

 And what about those kids who are always good?  Shouldn't they get some sort of extra recognition?  Here is the answer to that...

Now, with this last one, notice that parent's only get contacted when their child has done something bad and not when their child has done something good.  Can teachers not be bothered to notify parents with outstanding news?  Do we want to be seen as only the bearers of bad news?  We need to ponder this.

My main issue with the traffic light system stems from being a parent.  My son was always on red.  I was the parent whose child was on red.  I had a daily dose of "this is what your child did wrong today."  I had not considered what that did to him as a student in the classroom until I began substitute teaching.  But this is what it did...

Children who are on red are the targeted children.  They are "reported on".  When a sub enters the room, they are the one who the other children tell the sub to watch our for because "he is always on red."  When children said that to me, the child they were speaking of had the look of a child who was defeated before he ever had a chance.  The public display of this behavior management system classified children into those who can and those who can't and children who were too young to know better were throwing others under the bus.  My heart ached for the children who did not have a chance because their entire class (and likely the teacher, too) already knew they were doomed to fail) and it was on display for everyone to see every day.  Perhaps, this was why the "All Stars" were given a number.  The teacher from that room knew it happened, too and was making some attempt to salvage a behavior management system she may have been required to use.

What should we be doing instead...

It is simple...POSITIVE SPECIFIC PRAISE!





Goals
♦ To consistently reinforce children for good behaviors.
♦ To enhance the development and maintenance of a healthy self‐esteem.
♦ To create an environment so enriching that any separation from it would be a significant loss.
♦ To avoid the use of ineffective “positive attention.”
♦ If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Effective Tools of Positive Attention

♦ Verbal Praise
Should follow the desired behavior as quickly as possible
Get child’s attention
Short, specific praise
Catch the child being good
Praise effort more than product
♦ Physical Praise
1‐2 second contacts (Love Pats)
Less distracting than verbal praise
Less energy consuming on part of parent
Able to be given more frequently
Can be used for any acceptable behavior
♦ Reinforce “Pieces of the Pie”
Give positive attention to any portion of expected behavior in beginning
♦ High Frequency
50+ times/day to maintain positive environment
75+ times/day when problem behaviors are present

Ineffective Tools of Positive Attention (Praise Spoiling)
♦ Attaching the praise to future expectation.
“What a good grade you got on your spelling test. Do you think you can do this well next week too?”
♦ Attaching the praise to previous disappointments.
“Your bed looks so nice today. Why couldn’t you have made it this nicely yesterday?”
“What a good job you did cleaning up your room. Now aren’t you ashamed that you put up such a fuss about doing it?”
♦ Too lengthy verbal praise.
“You were so good at the party today. I am so happy when you are a good girl. I like it when you are so good. I’m sure you have more fun at parties when you are good. Your mommy will be so happy too when she hears what a good girl you were today.”
♦ Positive words mixed with negative body language.
“Well, you sure look nice today.” (Said while crossing your arms and rolling your eyes up toward the ceiling.)
♦ Praise that diminishes the value of the performance.
“What a good job you did on the activity. See, that wasn’t such a big deal, was it?”
♦ Non‐specific or lazy praise.
“Nice job!” “Good boy.”

Water the flowers, not the weeds.

You Never Know What You're Gonna Get

"My momma always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.'" ~ Forrest Gump 

 I was never a big fan of boxed chocolates...well, except for the Whitman's Sampler which has the flavors identified in the lid.  Unlike the famous quote of Forrest Gump's momma, with respect to the Whitman Sampler, you do know what you're gonna get.  I was always the type of girl who knew exactly what I wanted and I only wanted that.  So, as far as boxed chocolates were concerned, the Whitman's Sampler was pure brilliance. There were no unfortunate surprises.  You always knew exactly what you were going to get.

 

But, not all boxes of chocolates are as considerate as Whitman's Sampler, and especially with respect to life, Forrest's momma was right...you never know what you're gonna get.

This past Wednesday, I had the pleasure of listening to students whom I had taught a writing lesson to play the theme song from Forrest Gump at a band concert.  To introduce the song, one of the students, in his best Forrest Gump imitation said, "My momma always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.'"  I sat there, tears welling in my eyes, so proud of "my" students who were not mine to claim...students who were in the sixth grade, whom I had taught intermittently as a substitute teacher since they were kindergartners.  

That day, I had been happy...I had that feeling back that I had felt just years before.  The feeling of satisfaction with what you are doing with your life, that the students in front of you appreciate what you are doing, that what you are sharing with them matters, that you are building them up in a meaningful way.  

When the band started playing, I reflected back on how I felt when I stated graduate school.  I was eager and full of anticipation.  I thought I knew exactly how things were going to play out.  I would go to school, get my teaching license and the school that I had been a substitute teacher at for six years would certainly have a place for me.  I wanted that.  The students wanted that.  I was certain that with my hard work and my passion that I would finally find my place in life.

But..."life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you are going to get".  I find myself, three years later, not with a job at the school I so badly wanted to teach, not with the students whom I have known and cared for for six years, not where I had anticipated.  There are no jobs.

I find myself searching, still.  Searching for my place in life.  Searching for the students, the school, the colleagues, the place where I can share my passion.  I don't know if I will have to move away from the area I have lived my whole life to find a job.  I don't know if I will have to relocate my family.  I don't like uncertainty. Or is is mystery?  To be honest, it is one in the same.  Uncertainty, mystery...either way, I don't know what the future holds...I cannot control it.  What I can control is my attitude towards the not knowing.

I don't know much right now, but I do know that I still am not a fan of boxes of chocolates...But life is not a box of chocolates.  I can buy the Whitman's Sampler and pick and choose the pieces I like.  I cannot do that with life.  I have to either choose to take life's uncertainties, mysteries and unknowns in stride or let them destroy me in anxieties.  As life is revealed to me, I choose to embrace it or fight it.  You never know what you are gonna get...momma was right.  But you can choose how to handle it.  And to some extent, you can make that a part of who you are at all times.  It is hard work...no doubt about it.  But, at least, as Forrest said, you can "look back and say I didn't lead no humdrum life."

Moving Forward on Mother's Day

Mother’s Day.  It has been one year since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day.  Today, I re-read my words from one year ago.  I thought about where I am now and where I was then.  I asked myself, “Did you move on or are you still in the same place as you were a year ago?”  At first, I thought I was not much better off.  After all, I seem to still be searching.

But, as the day went on, I realized that we can move on in a lot of different ways.  And I have moved on and quite remarkably, to be honest.  

A year ago, I had realized that all of the sheltering I had done to prevent my son from getting teased was in vain.  I wrote, “I would have been better served to prepare myself for that than to work so hard trying to prevent it.  I need to accept the world for what it is.”   I still believe that. 

Being teased is a part of life.  I was teased. I remember the hurt I felt from being teased.  When my son was a preschooler, a neighbor child told my son and me that he would not play with my son.  I was crushed.  I’m not sure my son understood, but I know he does not remember that, today.  Perhaps, my efforts were to prevent him from having memories like I have.

At any rate, a year later, I have realized this…

Not only do I need to accept the world for what it really is but I need to accept my son for whom he really is.

Since I wrote Moving on on Mother’s Day, I have allowed my son to make choices for himself.  I have considered that he knows what is best for him in certain situations…and that I do not always know best.  My son is amazing.  My son is interesting.  My son is unique.  My son chooses to not do things with other people most weekends.  I ask him if he would like to and he replies, “No.”  My son attends Boy Scout functions nearly every weekend.  I have considered that, perhaps, to him, the six and a half hours a day he spends at school and the time he spends at scouts is enough for him. 

Him.  I have focused on him more and me less.  This is not about what I want all the time.  It is about what he wants.

Re-entering “life” does not mean I have to re-enter my old life… and that’s ok.

I wanted to start moving again.  But, moving in the circle I was in before was awkward.  I was different and other people were different.  I quickly gave up on that attempt.  At first, I felt like a quitter.  I felt like I was unwelcome and I quit…again.  But, I thought about it and I realized that I wanted different things for me anyways.  I was “moving on” not going back.  So, my purpose this past year was to make a new life for myself.  And I did…but, it is a work in progress.  I completed my student teaching.  I got a job teaching preschool for Head Start.  I made new friends.  

I may only be able to control myself, but if I am not moving at all what am I really controlling?

The last several months, I find myself always saying, “I am going to do great things.”  I have always known I am capable of great things.  I have to make those words come to life.  No matter what I do, if I don’t work at it, my “great things” stay hidden.  

I can write fantastic research papers, but if I don’t submit them for publication, I am only limiting myself.  I control that.  

I can be a fantastic teacher, but if I am not aggressive in my job search, if I don’t go to career services and get help perfecting my resume, if I don’t do everything I know I can do… I keep myself hidden.  I control that.

 

I want to be a young adult children’s literature author.  If I don’t practice my skill, discover how to get published, make connections…no one will ever know what I can do.  I control that.

I can say I want to promote autism awareness in our schools, but talking isn’t doing.  If I don’t write the speeches and make the presentations, and finding an outlet and an audience, ignorance continues.  I control that.

On this Mother’s Day, I realize that, while I am not yet where I would like to be with my life, I have moved on.  I am going to keep on moving…forward, not backwards.   I have realized that while it may not be about the destination but the journey, the destination is important.  I know what my destination is.  And, I am wise enough to know that there are many beautiful paths to get me there.  I won’t allow myself to be disappointed.  I will get there.   I don’t know how and I don’t know when.  But I will get there.  I will get there happier because I have learned lessons from my pain…and I am going to do great things in spite of that pain and because of that pain.  Just you wait and see.  So, this year, I will move forward on Mother's Day.

Cultivating a Respect for Others ~ A Reflection on the Dalai Lama's Words

The current Dalai Lama recently (May 7, 2012) posted on his Facebook fan page.

"The quality of everything we do: our physical actions, our verbal actions, and even our mental actions, depends on our motivation. That's why it's important for us to examine our motivation in our day to day life. If we cultivate respect for others and our motivation is sincere, if we develop a genuine concern for others’ well-being, then all our actions will be positive."

Being a fan of words and how we use them in writing to create a feeling, a visual image, or to use them to create what I like to call "magical moments in writing", I was taken with the phrase "cultivate respect for others".  It made me think about how I want other people to respect me and how I respect other people.  But, I consider myself to be a fairly respectable person and I think most people I know are fairly respectable.

So what does "cultivate a respect for others" mean?

Well, one definition of cultivate states "to promote or improve the growth of (a plant, crop, etc.) by labor and attention" (dictionary.com).  Hmm.  Cultivating a respect for others implies that it takes hard work (labor) and attention.  While I knew that it took hard work, a certain personality trait, a pattern of behavior, a lifestyle, and a lot of self reflection to be respectable and gain the respect of others, I have not considered that the respect I had for others was something that I needed to work on as well.  Shouldn't the people I encounter on a day to day basis be responsible for acquiring their own respect?  Perhaps, for the most part.

But then I realized I was thinking about this too microscopically.

A lot of people do not respect people who are different than them.  Period.  End of story.  There is absolutely NO opportunity for a member of that group to have a chance gaining the respect of some people.  Perhaps it is a high school student who has a mohawk and multiple facial piercings.  Perhaps it is a pregnant teen.  Perhaps, it is a person of color.  Perhaps,  it is an obese person.  A Jewish person.  A mother of a child throwing a tantrum in a grocery store.

It really can be anyone.  I thought to myself, "the man at Sam's club who told me I should be ashamed of myself probably didn't think I was respectable."  You see, my son was having a tantrum, meltdown, or whatever you would like to call it. He was about four years old and having a breakdown at Sam's Club because children with Asperger's Syndrome have sensory issues.  The store was too loud, too cold, too bright.  At that time, my son had not been officially diagnosed yet.  But, to that man at Sam's Club, I was probably not respectable because I had raised "a brat".  He had said to me, "what he needs is a good old-fashioned spanking."  Clearly my parenting skills, in his mind, were not respectable...at least that day.  But, he did not know.

Does a person's lack of knowledge excuse them from the pain, suffering and sometimes abuse they cause others?  I don't think so.  I think if we are going to speak out, best to speak out informed, or be prepared to be informed.

So, when it comes to cultivating a respect for others...perhaps the Dalai Lama would like us to become informed.  Learn to understand those who are not like us.  Perhaps things are not how they seem.

Work hard.  This does not just mean to study and investigate.  Perhaps it may mean to go beyond your comfort zone.

If you find yourself making snap judgements of pregnant teens, it may be worth doing some volunteer work with a shelter.

If you are uncomfortable around people who have children with disabilities, find out if you have a park in your area that is designed to be handicapped accessible.  In the area I live in, there is a park specifically for children with disabilities.  Sit on a bench.  Watch.  Maybe talk to a parent.

Cultivate a respect for others.  It requires hard work and attention.  Figure out who of this group of "others" you need to work on and you might just realize that you also needed to work on you, too.

While I Breathe, I Hope

“Dum spiro, spero (Latin), "While I breath, I hope"” 

~ Latin Proverb

I once had a conversation with a friend during which i asked, "I wonder if birds who fly for long distances get tired?" My friend replied, "Nope, the ruach carries them like a kite and they rest up there, in the air." I told him that in my Facebook notes, there is one....Lessons from Geese that my college professor gave it to us ..I told him I would send it to him that it was good stuff. I said to my friend, "well if adversity makes me soar, I need to figure out how to rest up there, in the air cause I am tired." He replied, "the Ruwach, Rose. In Hebrew the Word Ruach means = Wind, Breath Spirit. GOD's Ruach HaKodesh will give you rest..."

We all have ruach, we all have breath. I have to believe that as long as we have it, there is hope.

Lessons from Geese

It is amazing what we can learn when we watch and pay attention.......and reflect.

1. As each goose flaps its wings, it creates and uplift for others behind it. There is 71 percent more flying range in V-formation than in flying alone.
Lesson: People who share a common direction and sense of purpose can get there more quickly.

2. Whenever a goose flies out of formation, it feels drag and tries to get back into position.
Lesson: It's harder to do something alone than together.

3. When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation and another goose flies at the head.
Lesson: Shared leadership and interdependence give us each a chance to lead as well as an opportunity to rest.

4. The geese flying in the rear of the formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
Lesson: Encouragement is motivating. We need to make sure our "honking" is encouraging--and not discouraging.

5. When a goose gets sick or wounded and falls, two geese fall out and stay with it until it revives or dies. Then they catch up or join another flock.
Lesson: We may all need help from time to time. We should stand by our colleagues in difficult times.

~Angeles Arrien